some thoughts on devo's this morning

I found this encouraging as I read this morning. I am reading a book I got from a friend at my baptism and it is called Living the Cross Centered Life and on Chapter 8 it talks about suffering and being alone. He gave the example that he once came from a funeral service of his fathers death and pulled to the side of the road, and just wept...and for the first time wept alone. What is significant of why he mentions this, is that he pointed out that though he were suffering, he was not suffering as much as those who really don't have anyone in the time of death. For he had many sitting at the funeral service ready to weep with him. Then he gave the picture of Christ. On the cross Christ felt alone, and literally was alone. The Father had abandoned him for the Father to be just can not be in the presence of sin and Christ bore all of our sin. Therefore Christ felt the utter separation that we glimpse at in feeling alone. He actually was alone! What a beautiful thing to know that because of Christ we will never experience that, he became alone so that our feeling of being alone may never become a reality. That is just one beauty of the cross!

Also I have become discouraged the past years about knowledge. I use to be so eager to learn God's word and then show off in a sense what amazing things God was teaching me! Now I feel like I am walking through a dry stream, there are clouds and the mist is clouding my way. I don't see the joy of the light of knowledge, I wish it would come light my path itself, I don't know how to attain it anymore. It all seems to be a fog to me. It is hard for me to pick up a book for class and just learn. It is hard for me to finish my summer class right now because I don't have the knowledge within to spill forth a bible study that could actually benefit others. I have no inspiration, and honestly I just feel plain stupid. And in reality I am! Compared to the knowledge of God, yes, but how foolish to ever want to think I could actually attain that, to beat myself up for feeling stupid when I am comparing myself to God, of course I can never attain that! That is the beauty of humility, being okay with just the way you are and submitting to God. I have to trust in Him to work through me and knowing that even with my limited knowledge, and the slow process it takes at times to learn, it is best to grow in the knowledge of the Lord Jesus Christ. That is what matters! It does not matter if I get an A next semester in Sociology, what matters is if I am growing in the knowledge of who Jesus Christ is. For it is in knowing Him that our hope grows and our affirmation to ourselves of who we really believe in is defined. I must recognize Him or I believe the lies and my sin hardens my heart. He is ultimately glorious, gracious, forgiving, slow to anger, kind, and sooo tender hearted! I can't imagine wanting to gain knowledge in any other area, and to know that He is the one to reveal Himself and that He already has through His words, means there is free knowledge, not of myself but because of Him who has simplified Himself in human terms that we may know Him. That is the greatest grace that I can think of today, and I am absolutely in amazement of His love for me.

article recommendation

So many posts but so many good things to say! Not saying that I am a marriage freak lately, but wow! Check out this quote from this article you have to read (last page),

The importance of Christian marriage as a symbol of God's covenantal faithfulness to his people—and a witness to the future union of Christ and his bride—will only grow in significance as the wider Western culture diminishes both the meaning and actual practice of marriage. Marriage itself will become a witness to the gospel.

Seriously, marriage is not about sex or finding that perfect someone! It is not about the fairy tale romance, marriage is HARD. Marriage is about self sacrifice. It is about glorifying God. When Paul said you can't control your passion, it was not okay go marry and have sex! It meant if your passion is keeping you from serving the Lord whole-heartedly, go marry! Living without that passion is a gift, a gift to have self-control without marriage! Which is great, but have you considered that maybe God wants you to marry? This world thrives off of good marriages, it is a reflection of God and the church, and it produces godly families, institutions to make healthy environments where children are being brought up in the word of God. Is God calling you to marriage, like may He called you to other hard/difficult things in your life? At least consider it before you write off the idea, because politically, we need to be thinking about healthy marriages, even voting against gay marriage or abortion would help.

Marley and Me

I love the movie Marley and Me. I know it is a sad movie, but I guess it reminds me of something good: family. When I get back to Chicago, I am going to take a run to the beach and just sit in the sand and read. That is what I want to do right now, but homework is calling me..

God is light

I don't get it. I look outside and the sun is shining. I just don't get it. Why does the sun shine, when inside I feel like the clouds are rolling? Why does the sun shine, when people are dying from cancer? You know, its an evil to look at life as if here on earth we can attain our dreams and live life to the fullest. I don't want to look at life in that way, I would rather take each day and feel blessed what I have been given. Why want more? When you just could always want more, and things are taken away here. I can't wait for heaven, where nothing is ever taken away, nothing is destroyed, and the sun shines because it is the very essence of heaven, for God is light and He is the light of heaven...I would rather be in the presence of the Lord today than in the dreams I wish fulfilled.

exercise, not easy but good

I've been getting into running and being healthier, I found this website which is interesting and you should check it out if you are interested in the same.

http://smallstep.gov

I also tried these listerine whitening strips and in my opinion are way better than Crest Strips.

1. Half the price almost.

2. They dissolve

3. Taste good (they are like listerine strips, just on your teeth to whiten them!)

4. Don't hurt your teeth

5. Good if you drink coffee like me!

6. Freshen up your breathe

7. Why not whiten your teeth when you can? Seems healthy to me...

Anyways, I have got this fetish that if I start taking care of myself, perhaps I can begin to live a healthier life that can benefit others. Like for example, when I get exercise I am balanced better emotionally and am not prone to feel depressed. Or if I get enough sleep, I am not as crabby. Why not live life to the fullest if we can? It is hard at times, but thats discipline.

Spurgeon's Morning Devotional - August 1st

I want to share this devotional, it was so encouraging for me and I hope it is for you as well.

Spurgeon's Morning Devotional

"Let me now go to the field, and glean ears of corn."
- Ruth 2:2



Downcast and troubled Christian, come and glean to-day in the broad field of promise. Here are abundance of precious promises, which exactly meet thy wants. Take this one: "He will not break the bruised reed, nor quench the smoking flax." Doth not that suit thy case? A reed, helpless, insignificant, and weak, a bruised reed, out of which no music can come; weaker than weakness itself; a reed, and that reed bruised, yet, he will not break thee; but on the contrary, will restore and strengthen thee. Thou art like the smoking flax: no light, no warmth, can come from thee; but he will not quench thee; he will blow with his sweet breath of mercy till he fans thee to a flame. Wouldst thou glean another ear? "Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." What soft words! Thy heart is tender, and the Master knows it, and therefore he speaketh so gently to thee. Wilt thou not obey him, and come to him even now? Take another ear of corn: "Fear not, thou worm Jacob, I will help thee, saith the Lord and thy Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel." How canst thou fear with such a wonderful assurance as this? Thou mayest gather ten thousand such golden ears as these! "I have blotted out thy sins like a cloud, and like a thick cloud thy transgressions." Or this, "Though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool." Or this, "The Spirit and the Bride say, Come, and let him that is athirst come, and whosoever will let him take the water of life freely." Our Master's field is very rich; behold the handfuls. See, there they lie before thee, poor timid believer! Gather them up, make them thine own, for Jesus bids thee take them. Be not afraid, only believe! Grasp these sweet promises, thresh them out by meditation and feed on them with joy.

Marriage

I want to talk on the subject of marriage. Because Paul has said it is better not to marry, so many of us don't want to get married, we are fighting the struggle but what if fighting the struggle is evidence of not having the gift Paul so talks about. I have honestly hid and beated myself up for ever wanting to get married, but God is teaching me that marriage is good. It is in healthy marriages and families that a society becomes healthy. It is in family, that I myself am in encouraged when I go to my friends and their family takes care of me for a night. God is teaching me a lot about family this summer, and even though relationships are hard they can also be a blessing. I do see celibacy as a blessing, because you have the gift to be single, the gift of not enduring that struggle, and just focusing on the Lord. Yet, we still live in a world that survives off of family based structures. I have tried to be warrior woman, and pretend I don't want to get married but this summer has been ripping that apart. I am watching this little boy and I call him my cuddle buddy. I don't want to leave him, and as weird as this is, I want children some day. I want to nurture them and watch them grow up, and to feed them encouragement and God's word. This is so strange to me though, because growing up I never thought about my wedding day, I never thought about having children, in fact I ran away from people and being alone seemed most desirable. I have always had a tendency to separate myself from people, but God is giving me strength to love in fact my own family this summer and take a care of this little boy. I was terrified of taking care of this boy, I didn't think I had the right to take care of a life. Yet again, God is teaching me that He wants me to love people and to let them love me. Maybe being alone is not God's will, and at least I know God is teaching me to have relationships...whatever that will look like the rest of my life I am secure in His hands.

The Holy Spirit

Yesterday I was talking with a friend about Charismatic churches. First of all, on the subject of the Holy Spirit, I believe He works today among us, that when can hear from Him and He is alive in our lives. I believe to disregard the work of the Holy Spirit is to disregard any life on earth with God! I believe you can feel spiritually dead if the Holy Spirit is not alive and active in your life. That doesn't mean you don't read scripture and benefit from it, it means that you don't pray on the Spirit and begin to see the work of God active and alive in your life. Jesus went into heaven for the very fact that the Spirit would come and work in our lives.

In this way,

JOHN 16:12-14 (NIV)

²"I have much more to say to you, more than you can now bear.¹³But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come. ¹⁴He will bring glory to me by taking from what is mine and making it known to you.

Are you ever curious about the Holy Spirit? I know personally in the past two years or less, I have forgotten about the Holy Spirit. Sure, I will pray here and there, but I have blatantly ignored the Holy Spirit. I have done this by ignoring the times God tells me to speak to people, to write a card to someone, to do things that take faith!

And so I was reading through the book of Acts this morning and I was inspired by Philip. Check this out,

ACTS 9:29-30

The Holy Spirit said to Philip, "Go over and walk along beside the carriage." Philip ran over and heard the man reading from the prophet Isaiah. Philip asked, "Do you understand what you are reading?"

This is just amazing to me! Philip didn't reason out the Holy Spirit, Philip RAN to the man! And Philip ACTED on what the Holy Spirit told him when asking the man a question.

So, my question from here was, how can we hear the Holy Spirit today? Because, well the scripture doesn't say, but in comparison to when God spoke to Paul on the road to Damascus it was verbal! And today we don't hear clearly a written out question, it can become more like a feeling and who wants to be lead by feeling? (right? ...)

I want to read Francis Chan's book Forgotten God. Because I want to understand how the Holy Spirit works among us today, because I believe He does! There is no where in scripture that says the Holy Spirit will stop after the disciples. It actually says that signs will be done, but even GREATER signs will be done. Doesn't that imply a gradual succession of signs on earth? I believe the Holy Spirit will stop when Jesus Christ comes back, and He hasn't come back yet! Just look around you!

Click here for a Youtube clip on the book Forgotten God by Francis Chan.

To end this subject, I must say I do believe that the Charismatic church takes things way out of context at times, but every church has their problems. I am not trying to point fingers at anyone, I am merely trying to point out that we don't really take notice of the Holy Spirit. We become more focused on theology than the Spirit working in and through us, that is a problem!

i want to go to the ocean.

Dwell on this Today.

God is gracious.

God is compassionate.

God is slow to anger.

God is loving.

God is forgiving.

God is righteous.

God is pure.

God is holy.

God is passionate.

God is ferocious.

God is peaceful.

God is just.

God is tender.

God is merciful.

God is caring.

God is jealous.

God is good.

God is a consuming fire.

God is kind.

God is patient.

God is slow to anger.

God is thoughtful.

God is omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent.

God is self-sufficient.

God is without err.

God is always right.

God is wise.

God is truthful.

God is a rock.

God is beautiful.

God is creator.

God is relational.

God is infinite.

God is so good.

God is incomprehensible.

God is eternal.

God is faithful (even when we are not).

God is self-existent.

God is wrathful.

God is near to the broken.

God is unchanging.

God is transcendent.

God is available to the broken.

God is attentive to our cries.

God is amazing.

some help from http://www.preceptaustin.org/attributes_of_god.htm

Matchbox.

So I have become very sentimental lately. There have been some songs that have brought back memories. Do you know what feeling I am talking about? A song that just hits you with a burst of tears within? A Matchbox Twenty song came on the radio the other day and I just started tearing up, I was driving and I just gripped the steering wheel, and stared with watery eyes onto the road. All I could think of was back to high school, when I sat in my room laying on my bed while CD's like Matchbox Twenty, Dashboard Confessional and Brand New played. It is these three artists that hit me every time that I hear them. I think back to the depression and loneliness that I went through, when all I wanted to do was get through that phase. Maybe it was self pity, maybe it was utter hopelessness, maybe I didn't have my Savior then (I can't recall exactly what time of life this was but I think it was before I became a Christian), and I guess all I can think now is that memories are very sentimental to me. Like if I hear any country music it reminds me of my childhood and family memories, like before I pushed myself away from my family and things were good. Man, junior high ripped my life apart and I am still recovering form the damage done to my life then. Yet, God is good and I know that future memories will bring me back to the good memories and perhaps I will be healed from the damage that ripped away life from me.

Being vulnerable

It is incredibly embarrassing to be vulnerable. I don't know why, because it seems to be an attitude most desired by God for us. Yet it is in being vulnerable that one becomes open, has light shine on their darkness and then begins purifying one's self for the better. See my problem with becoming vulnerable is that it hurts, because people begin to see my thoughts and my attitudes that are purely wrong. But without letting others see I don't think I will ever heal from them. So my prayer today is that I can become more vulnerable for the sake of light to shine on the darkness and be healed by God. I know a few friends to confide in, and I shall call them soon..

Numbers 6:24-26 (New International Version)
"The LORD bless you and keep you; the LORD make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the LORD turn his face toward you and give you peace."

good thoughts :)

So, I am just full of joy right now. I was beating myself up, and still have this problem, of just comparing myself to what the world says is beauty. I never used to be like this! But now, as I am being vulnerable, I have foolishly liked some guys who have not given me attention, I thought it was because I was not attractive. And I know the Bible says a woman should show her beauty by good works, not by jewelry. And I have read that a good character is more desired. Yet, men seem to not strive after a woman with good works, its like they are always chasing women who are attractive! And for a while, I was completely discouraged. But the fact that my Dad loves me even if I need to shower, makes me full of joy. The fact that my friend will call me to get advice about a relationship with God, even though I am not the most attractive person, fills me with joy! The fact that God uses me even when I am full of filth and bad thoughts, attitude, and deeds, fills me with joy! I have amazing guy friends in my life, and they love me no matter what I look like. I need to remember the friends I do have, and not the guys I foolishly get attracted to and find myself hopeless after no attention from them. How silly...God has already blessed me, must I look for more?

Thank you Lord! :) May we be meek for Your glory.

I have just got to say...

I will not be ashamed of the gospel for it is the power of Christ at work in me. -Apostle Paul

MAN, I am just blown away by the subject of humility. Do you know how hard it is to not act cool? I laugh at this, maybe even scoff at this! Because it is so silly that it is such a tragic battle for many of us if not all (might I dare judge a little!) We are people who want a good reputation and are even willing to put on a face of pride, a guard on our heart, and a confidence of stature to walk proud and mighty, facing the day and feeling good about ourselves! But this is the devil's attitude. We should not be like this. The best attitude to have is a meek one. And I think highly on the verse about woman and how they should have a gentle and quiet spirit. For example, my baptism! That was a moment of meekness for me, a moment of joy. And days later I look back and am embarrassed that such a post is not sophisticated with highly used words. WHAT!? It is the most beautiful and glorifying thing to God to see one of His children joyful in the most simplistic of things, having joy in the gospel and being baptized! Let's be people who love God and love others, not ashamed to look dorky at times or even a little over happy at times, because the gospel should do that to us! And we should not be ashamed! It is the thing that brings the greatest joy, the greatest peace, and that is security the world does not offer. He came to give us peace right? and peace the world can never offer.

Kelli got baptized!

So, I was really embarrassed to get baptized. Whenever Moody talked about it and said everyone should get baptized right away, I swallowed up inside that I hadn't done that! Shame on that, because this was one of the best days of my life. I got to be around people I love and they were so good to me! I got like four cards from people! I did not know I got anything for having a baptism. It really felt like a family reunion, and I got to be baptized by one my favorite pastors, Thomas Gold. :)

I was able to share my testimony, and my Dad and my Grandma came. It was so good to see them come and be a part of my life! Then Rachel and Mark O'Brien came. Rachel used to be my mentor! And they had baby Jonathan, and as I was going into the water there were ducks, and I hear that Jonathan laughed and pointed at me because he remembered who I was! and he saw that I was chasing the ducks (well I wasn't really, it just appeared that way to him!) So that was really funny. Then I got a really funny card from Rachel of baby Jonathan, and I will have to take a picture to show you all soon! And then I had prayed for good weather because it was going to storm, and there was the most beautiful sunset! Praise God! And the duckies just sat in front as I got baptized, as if they were watching me. And I just stared at the beautiful creation that God had given us. And I felt so blessed!

And then my old discussion group leader, Paula Mead came. She gave me her blanket, when I didn't have a towel coming out of the water. Paula is so good to me! And then my friend Caitlin was such a joy to me, praying for me and encouraging me. I love her smiles! I have great people in my life. :)

And this was one of the best nights of my life. I thank God for such blessed joy. I never knew baptisms could be so wonderful! I am now a fan.

And Praise God for such love He has for us. He reminded me of this as I gave my testimony: I started loving Him because He first loved me. And that is the basis of my relationship with God, love. It is not about obedience and receiving, which I fall into at times. But it is about love. God saved me while I was separated from Him, and it was God who drew me near to Him. It is all about His love!

enJOY.

Now, I have a question for you. But first! Let me explain myself. If you let me explain, you may begin to understand my question, but if not you will fail to gain the grasp of where I want to take you.

My thoughts,

I wish I had the capacity to stay focused when reading books. It seems desirable to have a room full of bookcases with valuable and ancient books stacked upon stacks. I wish I could have rooms full of colors in olive green, turquoise, and gold. And if I could go back in time, I think I would like to visit Solomon's temple.

It seems pleasant to be by myself. I would like to listen to the album One Day I'll be on Time by The Album Leaf. I'd like to sit on a sofa with a million pillows, stretch my legs out and have a book in hand that tells of fantasy and adventure. It seems so pleasant to escape the world, escape people, escape disease, escape fear of future, escape. Though this seems pleasant, it is because it is a picture of what is pleasant. Yet it is not the substance of pleasure. I think dreams, stories, and pictures can mirage us into momentary joy, but what if this mirage is really a door in front of something more spectacular? And what if it takes a million tries to get just the right key to open the door? But what if you actually can open that door? Will you stop staring at the door, the mirage, and be willing to exhaust all of your strength just to open the door? You may think to yourself that you will miss out on the beauty if you don't keep your gaze on the door, but what if there is something greater behind that door? Because there is.

[This is me thinking on the lines of C.S. Lewis' book Surprised by Joy. I think our world can be full of joy, but it is only a "mirage" of the one true God, and in whom through Jesus Christ we can enJOY.]

A friendly day

So my friend Esther came on Tuesday to visit.

It was an early morning for me and my friend

Neil

who was kind enough to wake up at 5:30 to come meet me and pick up my friend Esther. I would not have arrived at my destination without him since I got lost and took highway 94 because I thought it was 3rd st, which 3rd street just turns into 94. I totally understand the system now, which makes minneapolis not as confusing as it was to me. I really think Chicago is better, especially with Megabus. The megabus stop in Minneapolis is very confusing, there are no signs and terrible directions online. Nonetheless we made it to our destination...thank God!

So this was the Megabus stop...very confusing. Looks like an empty parking lot.

And then we went to one of my favorite coffee shops: Dunn Bros in Eden Prairie, the one in the old historical house and I taught Esther how to shuffle cards. It was exciting! :)

Then of course Esther brought her awesome Sponge Bob.

And Neil told her that Sponge Bob has no soul.

grace/fear?

I really don't know what to think. Perhaps being confused is Satan's best way to keep me from being immobile.

Do you ever get into the mindset that Satan is always one step ahead of you? And He is always deceiving you? One moment I am deceived that God's grace is not there, the next moment I am thinking I am deceived by an imaginary grace. Am I really hearing from God? Is He really being gracious to me? Because when I go to church, I don't feel God's grace, I am just more aware of all the areas I am failing. I am trying to look at these areas as areas to grow in. But what if I am not growing because I am not letting conviction and the fear of God lead me? what is it to be led by grace, but also the fear of the Lord? I don't know.

I woke up this morning not wanting to get out of bed. It wasn't that I wanted to even sleep more, it was that I just laid there and stared. I didn't know what to think, what to do. I feared living another day. Yesterday I can recall all my inadequacies. I don't know how to be kind, sensitive, loving. I am always saying the wrong thing. I want to be a vessel for the Lord but I am so confused about myself and about church. I am trying to learn about grace but every time I go to church I just feel beat up about sin. I come home and all I hear in the background is, "why are you doing that?" "why are you saying that?" "you aren't good enough" "you wasted time and money again"! Is this really the voice of God?

Please, Lord give me the grace to understand, the joy to live, and the dreams of Yours to pursue, break my own. I'm tired of waking up feeling worthless, make my life worthy of something I am yet to understand.

Thinking back on Czech

Last summer I had the wonderful opportunity to go to the Czech Republic. I remember riding back on the train with a cart full of Czech girls, sitting laughing over my poor skills at learning the Czech language, and I just felt so much joy. These girls were not just Czech girls, on that train they became my friends and people I love and miss dearly. I don't think God will call me to the Czech Republic, but if He does I know I have a huge place in my heart for it! And tonight I will pray for my friends who will have yet another camp very soon.

he does not withhold any good thing from those that love Him..and every good and perfect gift comes from above.

I don't know about anyone else, but it is very difficult for me to not care about looks. Of course we would never judge someone off of their looks, right? Yet, in reality we do. Not that this is an excuse, but I come out to acknowledge this because I know it is hurting to the emotions of others, and I am looking down upon God's creation, as well as when I look down on myself. I am motivated to write on this subject because much of the time I will look at myself and say I am out of my league, with guys, with friendships, with jobs, with even evangelizing. I feel like I never fit in. Then God reminded me that this body that I am in is not my permanent body, so I ask myself... why do I judge my own beauty and worth off of my own body when it is not what is permanent, it is not the essence of who I am. Then I begin to think, well what am I anyway then? Is it about good character, charm, assertiveness? Well again this can seem worldly. For what does self confidence, pride, and confidence define for our worth. It really only makes us feel good because we deny reality. So when I look at myself I can see, my body will always fail me in perfection and also will my character. But the beauty is that God has promised me the gift of resurrected life. One day I will be purified, sanctified, made holy before God, and in heaven exactly who I was created to be, having a home created just for me, and I will be the beautiful creation God intended me to be. Therefore I praise God for any good thing, any charm, any confidence, any good looks, good attire, or good hair days. But I will also look at the bad and praise God that He saved a wretch like me, and saved me from thinking that what I look and feel makes who I am. The only thing that should define us then is our allegiance to Christ, for He is creator of everything good, that defines my worth. And if my worth does not point to Christ, if every good thing I have does not point to Christ, than I have lost it all and have no worth at all, because I have nothing to offer from myself.

Thank you Lord that we can partake in the beauty of Your creation, and I pray that we would abundantly worship you more than we abundantly worship possessions. And I pray that we would strain toward the goal of heaven, where perfection comes and all will give glory to God. Thank you for the small good things to point us toward Your goodness, and thank you for the pain, ugliness, and faults because without it we would hopelessly deceive ourselves into thinking we were good and miss out on everything good thing that you do and create.

Ephesians 5:20 ...giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ...