grace/fear?

I really don't know what to think. Perhaps being confused is Satan's best way to keep me from being immobile.

Do you ever get into the mindset that Satan is always one step ahead of you? And He is always deceiving you? One moment I am deceived that God's grace is not there, the next moment I am thinking I am deceived by an imaginary grace. Am I really hearing from God? Is He really being gracious to me? Because when I go to church, I don't feel God's grace, I am just more aware of all the areas I am failing. I am trying to look at these areas as areas to grow in. But what if I am not growing because I am not letting conviction and the fear of God lead me? what is it to be led by grace, but also the fear of the Lord? I don't know.

I woke up this morning not wanting to get out of bed. It wasn't that I wanted to even sleep more, it was that I just laid there and stared. I didn't know what to think, what to do. I feared living another day. Yesterday I can recall all my inadequacies. I don't know how to be kind, sensitive, loving. I am always saying the wrong thing. I want to be a vessel for the Lord but I am so confused about myself and about church. I am trying to learn about grace but every time I go to church I just feel beat up about sin. I come home and all I hear in the background is, "why are you doing that?" "why are you saying that?" "you aren't good enough" "you wasted time and money again"! Is this really the voice of God?

Please, Lord give me the grace to understand, the joy to live, and the dreams of Yours to pursue, break my own. I'm tired of waking up feeling worthless, make my life worthy of something I am yet to understand.