some thoughts

I find it hard to be vulnerable and friendly with people. How can you love someone with a mask on their face? How can you have an intimate conversation with someone whose eyes you can not see? How can you feel beyond the words, if there are no expressions? We are all so afraid we put up masks, why don't we let our hands tremble and our hearts beat. Isn't this what we live for? A rush of movement through our bodies to gives us more life than we feel. I wonder if God can make my hands tremble, if He could make me nervous. Sure, I have fallen at "His feet" with tears, I have become angry in His presence, and as I read C.S. Lewis' book Surprised by Joy, I find I am very confused about whether I have felt the Joy of God. Have I sat in His presence and felt His Spirit like I have felt the air.

I love nature. If I could theme my room in anything, it would be of wood-like characteristics, tree branches, leaves plastered on the walls, and think paint spilled canvases of browns and greens. I like to think back a lot of my favorite drive through 169 from Prior Lake into Eden Prairie. I am still tying to come up with words to explain this drive, but I am numbed. I can not. Because it is beyond myself. When I drive through, I can see the river off to the right, and you can only catch it for about 5 seconds, so why I love it so much could seem odd to most but what makes it so breathtaking is that I only get a moment of its beauty and then its gone. It seems like the best things in life vanish. I went to a movie the other day called,

Public Enemies, with Johnny Depp. Yes, it was a depressing film but what I liked about it (and am I odd to like depressing movies....maybe..) but it was reality! Johnny who plays a bank robber, is wanted and chased throughout the whole movie, and he seems to be good but just headed down a bad road and you want him to end up with the girl he likes but in the end he ends up dead. So you know he is going to end up dead, but you just hope that he wont and he will get to be with his girl forever. And so this is a sloppy overview of the movie but I wanted to get to my point: life is so fleeting! I came home in the car after that movie tearing up and I began to sing something along the lines of, "Lord, you are all I have. You are all that will never die, you are all that I have." And when it comes down to it all, the only thing that I will ever have is God. And that is a trembling thought. Because do I cherish Him like He is all that I have? I hold on to so much of this world, but when it comes down to it....everything will die. and YEA that is depressing! Yet, I was calmed and delighted that I was finally beginning to understand in my heart that God is all that I have.

Anyways.

A. Life is fleeting

B. I want to have joy in the smalls things because by God's grace I can (thank you Lord for everything good)

C. Go see Public Enemies

D. I am still trying to be in God's presence, I wish life were simpler and my heart were not leading me astray..