these past weeks

I really am having a hard time here at school. I like to pretend that things are okay, even just within myself I try to make things "feel okay". But I can not do it. I have been praying and getting in God's word more these past days but it feels like I just keep drifting far away from the Lord and I do not know how to bring myself back to the shore of God's presence. I am so tired of trying. I want to give up, but I can not. I want to go home and hide away in the friendships already made. I have no idea what I am doing here at school. I mean I know I would ask myself this question, because everyone ask it. But I am dealing with something personal, despite the fact that everyone deals with it. I wish I could come out and deal with this, to talk about it with people telling me that it is normal and that "I'll get through it"..because it is not encouragement that I need right now...not that it is not nice to have, but I need a serious change in my life. I need direct influence in my life to change me, not just words to help me feel better. For I know that I live in a world full of pain and suffering and if all I do is worry about my feelings and desire encouragement instead of taking this feeling and saying "hey, what do I change in my heart, my mind, my life."??? Because there is more to this life then feeling, there is something real out there that the text books can not explain, nor can the counselor heal. For we as people are not the ones that have the words or the influence, it is God through us that changes hearts and helps the church to grow into a body that loves. LOVES. not just knowing things, but acting..and act of love, not a word of love. I think so many times we get lost in knowledge that we forget the very essence of why the word is there. It is to help us understand how to act. But if all we have is knowledge but never apply it to what it was made for, then we just idle our lives. I want to make a difference, I came to Moody to learn so that I understand how to better my relationships with the people around me and mostly my relationship with God. But right now I do not know how to change my heart, or even what direction I am going in. So, I will just keep praying and trusting that God will eventually answer them.