iwant

I can't explain how I feel right now, I can't explain the sorrow, and I can't describe the emotions inside of me..and the one thing I hate is how it feels like in order for humans to communicate it has to be gradual, you have to take steps, and this pace involves masking how you feel, it involves getting messy with details, it sometimes involves being scared to reveal yourself and how you feel...it as if all the feelings of wanting to be part of someone is mixed with feelings of fear of being close. we mask and we hide and gradually we unmask and we reveal ourselves. Yet through music, through art, through these things humans are able to get rid of the masks, get rid of the routine of life and connect with themselves. I just listened to the song "Hallelujah" sang by Rufus Wainwright. All I feel like doing is watching that video overr and overr and overr and overr and overr and overr and OVER until I can finally grasp how he is feeling inside. The lyrics to that song are so deep, they cut to a level within the human heart and get to the pain, to the hallelujah of wanting to be free and at times getting close to someone and through that believing that you are free but then finding that even getting close to someone will break apart and become a "broken hallelujah" and all i feel like doing is just sitting in awe, listening, and staring and try to understand another human being I have never met before. It is moments like this that I know that I want to be a missionary, I want my life to be dedicated in delving into other people, in trying to understand their heart, their hurts, their pain, and be able to make a difference, be able to impact them with God's love. I hate it when there is suffering and there is pain, but the best part about being human is being able to relate to other people that go through the same pain. ..and all I feel like doing right now is just holding the world tight, going through all of the pain and squizing it away, and releaseing it, and looking ahead to the beauty of being with Christ..and bringing the whole world with me.

..I want to know people. I want to invest in other people's lives. I want to be connected, I want to be able to see someone's hurt and look them in the eyes and tell them that they are precious, that they are loved, and that they need to stop listening to the lies and the deception that leads to pain.. I just want to be connected to others, I want to know other people's pain.. there is something inside of me that lacks, that quenches to hold onto someone, to hug them with all my might, and listen to all the pain be cried away...