in the morning

moved my blog.

2009-08-06T13:30:00.001-05:00

i have moved my blog,

kellifleck.wordpress.com

pain is love.

2009-08-06T12:46:00.004-05:00

man, we are all lonely people. let me share a verse with you. it was good for me to be reminded of this verse on tuesday night about how we all are suffering,

1 Peter 5:9

Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

i need to be reminded of this. when you know that others are suffering, you don't pity yourself anymore. you begin to see clarity of your situation and can begin to do good for others, knowing you may not be able to help your own suffering but you can help someone else's, and in that you can fight the evil of pain. but again maybe pain is not so much an evil, the evil is really the absence of love. pain is just showing us we need love, just like being tired shows we need sleep. perhaps our pain shows us that we need God, for God is love.

some thoughts on devo's this morning

2009-08-04T11:42:00.003-05:00

I found this encouraging as I read this morning. I am reading a book I got from a friend at my baptism and it is called Living the Cross Centered Life and on Chapter 8 it talks about suffering and being alone. He gave the example that he once came from a funeral service of his fathers death and pulled to the side of the road, and just wept...and for the first time wept alone. What is significant of why he mentions this, is that he pointed out that though he were suffering, he was not suffering as much as those who really don't have anyone in the time of death. For he had many sitting at the funeral service ready to weep with him. Then he gave the picture of Christ. On the cross Christ felt alone, and literally was alone. The Father had abandoned him for the Father to be just can not be in the presence of sin and Christ bore all of our sin. Therefore Christ felt the utter separation that we glimpse at in feeling alone. He actually was alone! What a beautiful thing to know that because of Christ we will never experience that, he became alone so that our feeling of being alone may never become a reality. That is just one beauty of the cross!

Also I have become discouraged the past years about knowledge. I use to be so eager to learn God's word and then show off in a sense what amazing things God was teaching me! Now I feel like I am walking through a dry stream, there are clouds and the mist is clouding my way. I don't see the joy of the light of knowledge, I wish it would come light my path itself, I don't know how to attain it anymore. It all seems to be a fog to me. It is hard for me to pick up a book for class and just learn. It is hard for me to finish my summer class right now because I don't have the knowledge within to spill forth a bible study that could actually benefit others. I have no inspiration, and honestly I just feel plain stupid. And in reality I am! Compared to the knowledge of God, yes, but how foolish to ever want to think I could actually attain that, to beat myself up for feeling stupid when I am comparing myself to God, of course I can never attain that! That is the beauty of humility, being okay with just the way you are and submitting to God. I have to trust in Him to work through me and knowing that even with my limited knowledge, and the slow process it takes at times to learn, it is best to grow in the knowledge of the Lord Jesus Christ. That is what matters! It does not matter if I get an A next semester in Sociology, what matters is if I am growing in the knowledge of who Jesus Christ is. For it is in knowing Him that our hope grows and our affirmation to ourselves of who we really believe in is defined. I must recognize Him or I believe the lies and my sin hardens my heart. He is ultimately glorious, gracious, forgiving, slow to anger, kind, and sooo tender hearted! I can't imagine wanting to gain knowledge in any other area, and to know that He is the one to reveal Himself and that He already has through His words, means there is free knowledge, not of myself but because of Him who has simplified Himself in human terms that we may know Him. That is the greatest grace that I can think of today, and I am absolutely in amazement of His love for me.

article recommendation

2009-08-03T12:23:00.005-05:00

So many posts but so many good things to say! Not saying that I am a marriage freak lately, but wow! Check out this quote from this article you have to read (last page),

The importance of Christian marriage as a symbol of God's covenantal faithfulness to his people—and a witness to the future union of Christ and his bride—will only grow in significance as the wider Western culture diminishes both the meaning and actual practice of marriage. Marriage itself will become a witness to the gospel.

Seriously, marriage is not about sex or finding that perfect someone! It is not about the fairy tale romance, marriage is HARD. Marriage is about self sacrifice. It is about glorifying God. When Paul said you can't control your passion, it was not okay go marry and have sex! It meant if your passion is keeping you from serving the Lord whole-heartedly, go marry! Living without that passion is a gift, a gift to have self-control without marriage! Which is great, but have you considered that maybe God wants you to marry? This world thrives off of good marriages, it is a reflection of God and the church, and it produces godly families, institutions to make healthy environments where children are being brought up in the word of God. Is God calling you to marriage, like may He called you to other hard/difficult things in your life? At least consider it before you write off the idea, because politically, we need to be thinking about healthy marriages, even voting against gay marriage or abortion would help.

Marley and Me

2009-08-03T11:36:00.003-05:00

I love the movie Marley and Me. I know it is a sad movie, but I guess it reminds me of something good: family. When I get back to Chicago, I am going to take a run to the beach and just sit in the sand and read. That is what I want to do right now, but homework is calling me..

God is light

2009-08-03T11:04:00.004-05:00

I don't get it. I look outside and the sun is shining. I just don't get it. Why does the sun shine, when inside I feel like the clouds are rolling? Why does the sun shine, when people are dying from cancer? You know, its an evil to look at life as if here on earth we can attain our dreams and live life to the fullest. I don't want to look at life in that way, I would rather take each day and feel blessed what I have been given. Why want more? When you just could always want more, and things are taken away here. I can't wait for heaven, where nothing is ever taken away, nothing is destroyed, and the sun shines because it is the very essence of heaven, for God is light and He is the light of heaven...I would rather be in the presence of the Lord today than in the dreams I wish fulfilled.

exercise, not easy but good

2009-08-02T17:04:00.003-05:00

I've been getting into running and being healthier, I found this website which is interesting and you should check it out if you are interested in the same.

http://smallstep.gov

I also tried these listerine whitening strips and in my opinion are way better than Crest Strips.

1. Half the price almost.

2. They dissolve

3. Taste good (they are like listerine strips, just on your teeth to whiten them!)

4. Don't hurt your teeth

5. Good if you drink coffee like me!

6. Freshen up your breathe

7. Why not whiten your teeth when you can? Seems healthy to me...

Anyways, I have got this fetish that if I start taking care of myself, perhaps I can begin to live a healthier life that can benefit others. Like for example, when I get exercise I am balanced better emotionally and am not prone to feel depressed. Or if I get enough sleep, I am not as crabby. Why not live life to the fullest if we can? It is hard at times, but thats discipline.

Spurgeon's Morning Devotional - August 1st

2009-08-01T12:47:00.002-05:00

I want to share this devotional, it was so encouraging for me and I hope it is for you as well.

Spurgeon's Morning Devotional

"Let me now go to the field, and glean ears of corn."
- Ruth 2:2

Downcast and troubled Christian, come and glean to-day in the broad field of promise. Here are abundance of precious promises, which exactly meet thy wants. Take this one: "He will not break the bruised reed, nor quench the smoking flax." Doth not that suit thy case? A reed, helpless, insignificant, and weak, a bruised reed, out of which no music can come; weaker than weakness itself; a reed, and that reed bruised, yet, he will not break thee; but on the contrary, will restore and strengthen thee. Thou art like the smoking flax: no light, no warmth, can come from thee; but he will not quench thee; he will blow with his sweet breath of mercy till he fans thee to a flame. Wouldst thou glean another ear? "Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." What soft words! Thy heart is tender, and the Master knows it, and therefore he speaketh so gently to thee. Wilt thou not obey him, and come to him even now? Take another ear of corn: "Fear not, thou worm Jacob, I will help thee, saith the Lord and thy Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel." How canst thou fear with such a wonderful assurance as this? Thou mayest gather ten thousand such golden ears as these! "I have blotted out thy sins like a cloud, and like a thick cloud thy transgressions." Or this, "Though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool." Or this, "The Spirit and the Bride say, Come, and let him that is athirst come, and whosoever will let him take the water of life freely." Our Master's field is very rich; behold the handfuls. See, there they lie before thee, poor timid believer! Gather them up, make them thine own, for Jesus bids thee take them. Be not afraid, only believe! Grasp these sweet promises, thresh them out by meditation and feed on them with joy.

Marriage

2009-07-31T17:59:00.005-05:00

I want to talk on the subject of marriage. Because Paul has said it is better not to marry, so many of us don't want to get married, we are fighting the struggle but what if fighting the struggle is evidence of not having the gift Paul so talks about. I have honestly hid and beated myself up for ever wanting to get married, but God is teaching me that marriage is good. It is in healthy marriages and families that a society becomes healthy. It is in family, that I myself am in encouraged when I go to my friends and their family takes care of me for a night. God is teaching me a lot about family this summer, and even though relationships are hard they can also be a blessing. I do see celibacy as a blessing, because you have the gift to be single, the gift of not enduring that struggle, and just focusing on the Lord. Yet, we still live in a world that survives off of family based structures. I have tried to be warrior woman, and pretend I don't want to get married but this summer has been ripping that apart. I am watching this little boy and I call him my cuddle buddy. I don't want to leave him, and as weird as this is, I want children some day. I want to nurture them and watch them grow up, and to feed them encouragement and God's word. This is so strange to me though, because growing up I never thought about my wedding day, I never thought about having children, in fact I ran away from people and being alone seemed most desirable. I have always had a tendency to separate myself from people, but God is giving me strength to love in fact my own family this summer and take a care of this little boy. I was terrified of taking care of this boy, I didn't think I had the right to take care of a life. Yet again, God is teaching me that He wants me to love people and to let them love me. Maybe being alone is not God's will, and at least I know God is teaching me to have relationships...whatever that will look like the rest of my life I am secure in His hands.

The Holy Spirit

2009-07-31T11:43:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I was talking with a friend about Charismatic churches. First of all, on the subject of the Holy Spirit, I believe He works today among us, that when can hear from Him and He is alive in our lives. I believe to disregard the work of the Holy Spirit is to disregard any life on earth with God! I believe you can feel spiritually dead if the Holy Spirit is not alive and active in your life. That doesn't mean you don't read scripture and benefit from it, it means that you don't pray on the Spirit and begin to see the work of God active and alive in your life. Jesus went into heaven for the very fact that the Spirit would come and work in our lives.

In this way,

JOHN 16:12-14 (NIV)

²"I have much more to say to you, more than you can now bear.¹³But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come. ¹⁴He will bring glory to me by taking from what is mine and making it known to you.

Are you ever curious about the Holy Spirit? I know personally in the past two years or less, I have forgotten about the Holy Spirit. Sure, I will pray here and there, but I have blatantly ignored the Holy Spirit. I have done this by ignoring the times God tells me to speak to people, to write a card to someone, to do things that take faith!

And so I was reading through the book of Acts this morning and I was inspired by Philip. Check this out,

ACTS 9:29-30

The Holy Spirit said to Philip, "Go over and walk along beside the carriage." Philip ran over and heard the man reading from the prophet Isaiah. Philip asked, "Do you understand what you are reading?"

This is just amazing to me! Philip didn't reason out the Holy Spirit, Philip RAN to the man! And Philip ACTED on what the Holy Spirit told him when asking the man a question.

So, my question from here was, how can we hear the Holy Spirit today? Because, well the scripture doesn't say, but in comparison to when God spoke to Paul on the road to Damascus it was verbal! And today we don't hear clearly a written out question, it can become more like a feeling and who wants to be lead by feeling? (right? ...)

I want to read Francis Chan's book Forgotten God. Because I want to understand how the Holy Spirit works among us today, because I believe He does! There is no where in scripture that says the Holy Spirit will stop after the disciples. It actually says that signs will be done, but even GREATER signs will be done. Doesn't that imply a gradual succession of signs on earth? I believe the Holy Spirit will stop when Jesus Christ comes back, and He hasn't come back yet! Just look around you!

Click here for a Youtube clip on the book Forgotten God by Francis Chan.

To end this subject, I must say I do believe that the Charismatic church takes things way out of context at times, but every church has their problems. I am not trying to point fingers at anyone, I am merely trying to point out that we don't really take notice of the Holy Spirit. We become more focused on theology than the Spirit working in and through us, that is a problem!

2009-07-31T00:04:00.002-05:00

i want to go to the ocean.

Dwell on this Today.

2009-07-30T17:08:00.007-05:00

God is gracious.

God is compassionate.

God is slow to anger.

God is loving.

God is forgiving.

God is righteous.

God is pure.

God is holy.

God is passionate.

God is ferocious.

God is peaceful.

God is just.

God is tender.

God is merciful.

God is caring.

God is jealous.

God is good.

God is a consuming fire.

God is kind.

God is patient.

God is slow to anger.

God is thoughtful.

God is omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent.

God is self-sufficient.

God is without err.

God is always right.

God is wise.

God is truthful.

God is a rock.

God is beautiful.

God is creator.

God is relational.

God is infinite.

God is so good.

God is incomprehensible.

God is eternal.

God is faithful (even when we are not).

God is self-existent.

God is wrathful.

God is near to the broken.

God is unchanging.

God is transcendent.

God is available to the broken.

God is attentive to our cries.

God is amazing.

some help from http://www.preceptaustin.org/attributes_of_god.htm

Matchbox.

2009-07-29T19:52:00.002-05:00

So I have become very sentimental lately. There have been some songs that have brought back memories. Do you know what feeling I am talking about? A song that just hits you with a burst of tears within? A Matchbox Twenty song came on the radio the other day and I just started tearing up, I was driving and I just gripped the steering wheel, and stared with watery eyes onto the road. All I could think of was back to high school, when I sat in my room laying on my bed while CD's like Matchbox Twenty, Dashboard Confessional and Brand New played. It is these three artists that hit me every time that I hear them. I think back to the depression and loneliness that I went through, when all I wanted to do was get through that phase. Maybe it was self pity, maybe it was utter hopelessness, maybe I didn't have my Savior then (I can't recall exactly what time of life this was but I think it was before I became a Christian), and I guess all I can think now is that memories are very sentimental to me. Like if I hear any country music it reminds me of my childhood and family memories, like before I pushed myself away from my family and things were good. Man, junior high ripped my life apart and I am still recovering form the damage done to my life then. Yet, God is good and I know that future memories will bring me back to the good memories and perhaps I will be healed from the damage that ripped away life from me.

Being vulnerable

2009-07-29T17:47:00.009-05:00

It is incredibly embarrassing to be vulnerable. I don't know why, because it seems to be an attitude most desired by God for us. Yet it is in being vulnerable that one becomes open, has light shine on their darkness and then begins purifying one's self for the better. See my problem with becoming vulnerable is that it hurts, because people begin to see my thoughts and my attitudes that are purely wrong. But without letting others see I don't think I will ever heal from them. So my prayer today is that I can become more vulnerable for the sake of light to shine on the darkness and be healed by God. I know a few friends to confide in, and I shall call them soon..

Numbers 6:24-26 (New International Version)
"The LORD bless you and keep you; the LORD make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the LORD turn his face toward you and give you peace."

good thoughts :)

2009-07-27T01:31:00.003-05:00

So, I am just full of joy right now. I was beating myself up, and still have this problem, of just comparing myself to what the world says is beauty. I never used to be like this! But now, as I am being vulnerable, I have foolishly liked some guys who have not given me attention, I thought it was because I was not attractive. And I know the Bible says a woman should show her beauty by good works, not by jewelry. And I have read that a good character is more desired. Yet, men seem to not strive after a woman with good works, its like they are always chasing women who are attractive! And for a while, I was completely discouraged. But the fact that my Dad loves me even if I need to shower, makes me full of joy. The fact that my friend will call me to get advice about a relationship with God, even though I am not the most attractive person, fills me with joy! The fact that God uses me even when I am full of filth and bad thoughts, attitude, and deeds, fills me with joy! I have amazing guy friends in my life, and they love me no matter what I look like. I need to remember the friends I do have, and not the guys I foolishly get attracted to and find myself hopeless after no attention from them. How silly...God has already blessed me, must I look for more?

Thank you Lord! :) May we be meek for Your glory.

2009-07-26T12:57:00.003-05:00

I have just got to say...

I will not be ashamed of the gospel for it is the power of Christ at work in me. -Apostle Paul

MAN, I am just blown away by the subject of humility. Do you know how hard it is to not act cool? I laugh at this, maybe even scoff at this! Because it is so silly that it is such a tragic battle for many of us if not all (might I dare judge a little!) We are people who want a good reputation and are even willing to put on a face of pride, a guard on our heart, and a confidence of stature to walk proud and mighty, facing the day and feeling good about ourselves! But this is the devil's attitude. We should not be like this. The best attitude to have is a meek one. And I think highly on the verse about woman and how they should have a gentle and quiet spirit. For example, my baptism! That was a moment of meekness for me, a moment of joy. And days later I look back and am embarrassed that such a post is not sophisticated with highly used words. WHAT!? It is the most beautiful and glorifying thing to God to see one of His children joyful in the most simplistic of things, having joy in the gospel and being baptized! Let's be people who love God and love others, not ashamed to look dorky at times or even a little over happy at times, because the gospel should do that to us! And we should not be ashamed! It is the thing that brings the greatest joy, the greatest peace, and that is security the world does not offer. He came to give us peace right? and peace the world can never offer.

Kelli got baptized!

2009-07-22T13:18:00.007-05:00

So, I was really embarrassed to get baptized. Whenever Moody talked about it and said everyone should get baptized right away, I swallowed up inside that I hadn't done that! Shame on that, because this was one of the best days of my life. I got to be around people I love and they were so good to me! I got like four cards from people! I did not know I got anything for having a baptism. It really felt like a family reunion, and I got to be baptized by one my favorite pastors, Thomas Gold. :)

I was able to share my testimony, and my Dad and my Grandma came. It was so good to see them come and be a part of my life! Then Rachel and Mark O'Brien came. Rachel used to be my mentor! And they had baby Jonathan, and as I was going into the water there were ducks, and I hear that Jonathan laughed and pointed at me because he remembered who I was! and he saw that I was chasing the ducks (well I wasn't really, it just appeared that way to him!) So that was really funny. Then I got a really funny card from Rachel of baby Jonathan, and I will have to take a picture to show you all soon! And then I had prayed for good weather because it was going to storm, and there was the most beautiful sunset! Praise God! And the duckies just sat in front as I got baptized, as if they were watching me. And I just stared at the beautiful creation that God had given us. And I felt so blessed!

And then my old discussion group leader, Paula Mead came. She gave me her blanket, when I didn't have a towel coming out of the water. Paula is so good to me! And then my friend Caitlin was such a joy to me, praying for me and encouraging me. I love her smiles! I have great people in my life. :)

And this was one of the best nights of my life. I thank God for such blessed joy. I never knew baptisms could be so wonderful! I am now a fan.

And Praise God for such love He has for us. He reminded me of this as I gave my testimony: I started loving Him because He first loved me. And that is the basis of my relationship with God, love. It is not about obedience and receiving, which I fall into at times. But it is about love. God saved me while I was separated from Him, and it was God who drew me near to Him. It is all about His love!

enJOY.

2009-07-20T22:20:00.003-05:00

Now, I have a question for you. But first! Let me explain myself. If you let me explain, you may begin to understand my question, but if not you will fail to gain the grasp of where I want to take you.

My thoughts,

I wish I had the capacity to stay focused when reading books. It seems desirable to have a room full of bookcases with valuable and ancient books stacked upon stacks. I wish I could have rooms full of colors in olive green, turquoise, and gold. And if I could go back in time, I think I would like to visit Solomon's temple.

It seems pleasant to be by myself. I would like to listen to the album One Day I'll be on Time by The Album Leaf. I'd like to sit on a sofa with a million pillows, stretch my legs out and have a book in hand that tells of fantasy and adventure. It seems so pleasant to escape the world, escape people, escape disease, escape fear of future, escape. Though this seems pleasant, it is because it is a picture of what is pleasant. Yet it is not the substance of pleasure. I think dreams, stories, and pictures can mirage us into momentary joy, but what if this mirage is really a door in front of something more spectacular? And what if it takes a million tries to get just the right key to open the door? But what if you actually can open that door? Will you stop staring at the door, the mirage, and be willing to exhaust all of your strength just to open the door? You may think to yourself that you will miss out on the beauty if you don't keep your gaze on the door, but what if there is something greater behind that door? Because there is.

[This is me thinking on the lines of C.S. Lewis' book Surprised by Joy. I think our world can be full of joy, but it is only a "mirage" of the one true God, and in whom through Jesus Christ we can enJOY.]

A friendly day

2009-07-18T12:33:00.008-05:00

So my friend Esther came on Tuesday to visit.

It was an early morning for me and my friend

Neil

who was kind enough to wake up at 5:30 to come meet me and pick up my friend Esther. I would not have arrived at my destination without him since I got lost and took highway 94 because I thought it was 3rd st, which 3rd street just turns into 94. I totally understand the system now, which makes minneapolis not as confusing as it was to me. I really think Chicago is better, especially with Megabus. The megabus stop in Minneapolis is very confusing, there are no signs and terrible directions online. Nonetheless we made it to our destination...thank God!

So this was the Megabus stop...very confusing. Looks like an empty parking lot.

And then we went to one of my favorite coffee shops: Dunn Bros in Eden Prairie, the one in the old historical house and I taught Esther how to shuffle cards. It was exciting! :)

Then of course Esther brought her awesome Sponge Bob.

And Neil told her that Sponge Bob has no soul.

grace/fear?

2009-07-17T10:02:00.002-05:00

I really don't know what to think. Perhaps being confused is Satan's best way to keep me from being immobile.

Do you ever get into the mindset that Satan is always one step ahead of you? And He is always deceiving you? One moment I am deceived that God's grace is not there, the next moment I am thinking I am deceived by an imaginary grace. Am I really hearing from God? Is He really being gracious to me? Because when I go to church, I don't feel God's grace, I am just more aware of all the areas I am failing. I am trying to look at these areas as areas to grow in. But what if I am not growing because I am not letting conviction and the fear of God lead me? what is it to be led by grace, but also the fear of the Lord? I don't know.

I woke up this morning not wanting to get out of bed. It wasn't that I wanted to even sleep more, it was that I just laid there and stared. I didn't know what to think, what to do. I feared living another day. Yesterday I can recall all my inadequacies. I don't know how to be kind, sensitive, loving. I am always saying the wrong thing. I want to be a vessel for the Lord but I am so confused about myself and about church. I am trying to learn about grace but every time I go to church I just feel beat up about sin. I come home and all I hear in the background is, "why are you doing that?" "why are you saying that?" "you aren't good enough" "you wasted time and money again"! Is this really the voice of God?

Please, Lord give me the grace to understand, the joy to live, and the dreams of Yours to pursue, break my own. I'm tired of waking up feeling worthless, make my life worthy of something I am yet to understand.

Thinking back on Czech

2009-07-16T00:30:00.003-05:00

Last summer I had the wonderful opportunity to go to the Czech Republic. I remember riding back on the train with a cart full of Czech girls, sitting laughing over my poor skills at learning the Czech language, and I just felt so much joy. These girls were not just Czech girls, on that train they became my friends and people I love and miss dearly. I don't think God will call me to the Czech Republic, but if He does I know I have a huge place in my heart for it! And tonight I will pray for my friends who will have yet another camp very soon.

he does not withhold any good thing from those that love Him..and every good and perfect gift comes from above.

2009-07-14T16:13:00.004-05:00

I don't know about anyone else, but it is very difficult for me to not care about looks. Of course we would never judge someone off of their looks, right? Yet, in reality we do. Not that this is an excuse, but I come out to acknowledge this because I know it is hurting to the emotions of others, and I am looking down upon God's creation, as well as when I look down on myself. I am motivated to write on this subject because much of the time I will look at myself and say I am out of my league, with guys, with friendships, with jobs, with even evangelizing. I feel like I never fit in. Then God reminded me that this body that I am in is not my permanent body, so I ask myself... why do I judge my own beauty and worth off of my own body when it is not what is permanent, it is not the essence of who I am. Then I begin to think, well what am I anyway then? Is it about good character, charm, assertiveness? Well again this can seem worldly. For what does self confidence, pride, and confidence define for our worth. It really only makes us feel good because we deny reality. So when I look at myself I can see, my body will always fail me in perfection and also will my character. But the beauty is that God has promised me the gift of resurrected life. One day I will be purified, sanctified, made holy before God, and in heaven exactly who I was created to be, having a home created just for me, and I will be the beautiful creation God intended me to be. Therefore I praise God for any good thing, any charm, any confidence, any good looks, good attire, or good hair days. But I will also look at the bad and praise God that He saved a wretch like me, and saved me from thinking that what I look and feel makes who I am. The only thing that should define us then is our allegiance to Christ, for He is creator of everything good, that defines my worth. And if my worth does not point to Christ, if every good thing I have does not point to Christ, than I have lost it all and have no worth at all, because I have nothing to offer from myself.

Thank you Lord that we can partake in the beauty of Your creation, and I pray that we would abundantly worship you more than we abundantly worship possessions. And I pray that we would strain toward the goal of heaven, where perfection comes and all will give glory to God. Thank you for the small good things to point us toward Your goodness, and thank you for the pain, ugliness, and faults because without it we would hopelessly deceive ourselves into thinking we were good and miss out on everything good thing that you do and create.

Ephesians 5:20 ...giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ...

again Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace. i beg.

2009-07-13T02:27:00.002-05:00

Can you help me to understand

Can your grace help me believe

Can you give me joy in the morning

Rest in the night

and victory over desire

Can you help me to have the words

Can you help me to shut my mouth

Can you give me the ear to hear

the eyes to see

and the rest to be assured

Can you give me the appointment

Can you teach me to love

Can you help me to hold and not fail

to have eye that see

and a gaze that understands

Can you help me to listen to you

to desire you most

in the morning

prayer for my friends

2009-07-12T00:02:00.002-05:00

I want to write a book about God's grace. But I think I have found my inspiration though for a Bible Study I will be creating before the summer ends which will be used with a Bible Study I do with internationals, mostly Chinese girls. (I miss them all terribly!) My theme will be grace. I will go through the book of John and see how grace comes through the character of Jesus and different acts or miracles that He does. I wish we could all know God's grace more. It sickens me when people feel burdened, that is not the Christian life Jesus called us to. He came to carry our burdens for us, to love us, to comfort us and of course to challenge us, discipline us, strengthen us, but all in the outcome of purification and love.

I am praying tonight that my friends may know the grace of God more fully.

Jesus, I am so in love with you. Thank you yesterday for giving me grace. Thank you for allowing me to rest these past two days. Thank you for the beautiful and loving family I babysit for. Thank you for little blessings like the Dr. Pepper I was given, the free shoes, my coffee mug, and my computer fixed. But I look beyond the benefits and I know that You are my brightest gem, because You will always remain in my pocket, you will never die, you will never leave me nor forsake me. God thank you for your grace and your love, I can not live without it. I pray Father that you would help my friend to experience your grace. Help them to move out of legalism into having you be their joy. I think of David Crowder, "you are my joy! you are my joy! you are my joy!" God, you are my joy! Without you, I am crap. Thank you for sanctifying me and making me worth something when I am nothing.

some thoughts

2009-07-11T13:33:00.002-05:00

This is an amazing song:

All I want by Future of Forestry

I will go where glory meets the crude and weak
I will go where mercy meets the shame
I will go where strength will find the small and meek
I will go where magic meets mundane

And You're all I want
You're all I want
You're all I'll find
You have my heart forever
You are all that I could need

I will go where grace and healing love restores
I will go where peace and rest is known
I will go where friendship finds my heart in Yours
I will go where beauty leads me home

(I have it on the playlist as the first song that plays.)

On a note of this song, I have just been overjoyed of how God really does love me. I feel like I have been disobedient (truth) and have distanced myself. But he keeps luring me back to Himself, and I am convinced. Because His grace draws me near. Even with all my selfishness He is continuing to bless me. I got a new pair of shoes for free, called Sanuk. Ill add a picture of them here in a sec, and plus the mug I found the other day on sale. Then I get online to check my e-mail and there is a Devo that encouraged me deeply because it spoke about how God is sanctifying us. And so much of the time I feel like crap, because I am crap, but I can take joy in that He does the work of sanctifying me through trials. I will take joy in my suffering because God is making me a better person, and that is what I yearn for.

Here are the shoes :) Yey for mommy winning them for me...

some thoughts

2009-07-10T23:24:00.002-05:00

I find it hard to be vulnerable and friendly with people. How can you love someone with a mask on their face? How can you have an intimate conversation with someone whose eyes you can not see? How can you feel beyond the words, if there are no expressions? We are all so afraid we put up masks, why don't we let our hands tremble and our hearts beat. Isn't this what we live for? A rush of movement through our bodies to gives us more life than we feel. I wonder if God can make my hands tremble, if He could make me nervous. Sure, I have fallen at "His feet" with tears, I have become angry in His presence, and as I read C.S. Lewis' book Surprised by Joy, I find I am very confused about whether I have felt the Joy of God. Have I sat in His presence and felt His Spirit like I have felt the air.

I love nature. If I could theme my room in anything, it would be of wood-like characteristics, tree branches, leaves plastered on the walls, and think paint spilled canvases of browns and greens. I like to think back a lot of my favorite drive through 169 from Prior Lake into Eden Prairie. I am still tying to come up with words to explain this drive, but I am numbed. I can not. Because it is beyond myself. When I drive through, I can see the river off to the right, and you can only catch it for about 5 seconds, so why I love it so much could seem odd to most but what makes it so breathtaking is that I only get a moment of its beauty and then its gone. It seems like the best things in life vanish. I went to a movie the other day called,

Public Enemies, with Johnny Depp. Yes, it was a depressing film but what I liked about it (and am I odd to like depressing movies....maybe..) but it was reality! Johnny who plays a bank robber, is wanted and chased throughout the whole movie, and he seems to be good but just headed down a bad road and you want him to end up with the girl he likes but in the end he ends up dead. So you know he is going to end up dead, but you just hope that he wont and he will get to be with his girl forever. And so this is a sloppy overview of the movie but I wanted to get to my point: life is so fleeting! I came home in the car after that movie tearing up and I began to sing something along the lines of, "Lord, you are all I have. You are all that will never die, you are all that I have." And when it comes down to it all, the only thing that I will ever have is God. And that is a trembling thought. Because do I cherish Him like He is all that I have? I hold on to so much of this world, but when it comes down to it....everything will die. and YEA that is depressing! Yet, I was calmed and delighted that I was finally beginning to understand in my heart that God is all that I have.

Anyways.

A. Life is fleeting

B. I want to have joy in the smalls things because by God's grace I can (thank you Lord for everything good)

C. Go see Public Enemies

D. I am still trying to be in God's presence, I wish life were simpler and my heart were not leading me astray..

its friday :)

2009-07-10T08:47:00.010-05:00

So this picture was taken from my camera, hence the very blurred effect. :) I just have to say I found this on sale at Starbucks yesterday and I freaked. My friend was trying to talk to me and I was just staring at it, and I just had to buy it. It is a leaf that wraps around the whole cup, I wish you could see the whole thing and feel it, the handle is awesome ! I think I may be obsessed with mugs, but we must take hold of the joy in small things, for everything on earth is of small things. And we must remember they are small in comparison to a big God. And He has given us things to enjoy, so I thank God for helping me find this mug. It brought it a bit of joy, amongst the laughter of my friend Amber and I making animal noises in my car for about a half hour. Ah, that was a good night yesterday. Now I am going up north in about 10 minutes..and I am listening to the soundtrack of Once, so good!

a thought, and a recommendation

2009-07-06T14:45:00.002-05:00

I told some girls one night at church that they should never trap themselves in a box before God does. Then I realized that I have been doing this to myself. What I mean by this phrase is that sometimes I will get into this mindset where I am in a jail cell and suffering for Christ. Yet if you look at my life I am not in a jail cell! Some must think at times that I am uptight or just negative. And I wonder if Paul ever felt upright or negative while he was in jail, because it seems like he may have had more joy because he saw people in jail come to Christ! whoa. That would be amazing! I think I get trapped by not setting my hopes up because I should always expect the worst, because God glorifies Himself through weakness right? But then I was thinking lately, God doesn't just use evil to do good, but uses good to do good! I heard yesterday morning that God is actually searching for those that he can bless!

Anyways, I am watching the movie Anywhere but Here, and this movie makes me tear up. It is really sad, but very good. It is about a mother who sacrifices everything for her daughter, and shows the imperfection of herself. Like one time she sleeps through the whole weekend and finally on Monday morning before school, her daughter has to drag her out of bed. This mother is single and raising this child, while just not getting it all together, not being able to pay the bills and just emotionally drained, but you can see the love she has for her daughter. In the end her daughter wants to go away to school in Rhode Island but her mother feels betrayed, or more at a loss, because she will lose her daughter. In the end the mother sells her car to help get her daughter to college. This I believe is a picture of genuine sacrifice in love, in the sense of daily living. Ofcourse Christ is the picture of ultimate sacrfice, but how much do we actually give of our life in living (not death)? I recommend watching this movie to remind you of being real with the people you love, loving them even through your failures.

Do NOT fret [period]. ..for emphasis

2009-07-04T15:28:00.000-05:00

For once I think Oswald Chambers changed my perspective on life today. I know a lot of people acclaim Oswald but I am not the biggest fan, I would point people more toward Spurgeon for Devos. Nonetheless today is the 4th of July, so if you have My Utmost for His Highest you can go take a look.

Anyways this is what I learned: Do not fret, stop and listen, suck it up and learn the lesson God is trying to teach you. I have been fretting. These past few days I have been fretting like no tomorrow. I have never felt so far from God in a long time. And I was sick of hearing that my feelings don't matter, but that small whisper I heard God telling me, "I wish I could hold her." Yes it may be just from song by The Fray that are rambaling in my head because I am obsessed to listen to them lately. I listen to bands like The Fray when I get into mellow, thoughtful moods, where I just need someone to sing their heart out instead of me trying to pace my heart out through my life. Because right now I am in a waiting period. And that is just it! I need to stop fretting and just wait on God. Yes, life is not how I would like it to be right now, but I can be content that I am in God's hand and maybe that's just it: I am not suppose to be content with this life. But I do need to be content with God. He is not my magic geanie (sp?), He is my Savior. There is a difference.

you are neither hot nor cold..

2009-07-03T11:35:00.003-05:00

I've been learning lately, I think about the verse in Revelations about God not wanting us to be hot nor cold. I thought once that this meant that God wanted us to choose who we were following Him (hot) or Satan (Cold). He didn't want us to be mixed in both worlds. Yet, I was taught while at Moody last year that this is not what this verse means. It actually refers to God wanting us to be the most refreshing, the best that we can be. If you think of a drink, you do not want a drink to be lukewarm, you want a cold or a hot drink. So now I am learning what this means in my own life because I have been strongly trying to abide in Christ.

Therefore this is my conclusion: live life without fear. If I want something, go after it with everything that I have. Make my yes, 'yes' and my no, 'no'! I must figure out what I want and then run after it with all of myself. I think I wasn't doing this because I was not sure what I was running after, I didn't trust what I thought I was giving my life to. Yet, God is teaching me about His love and grace and it makes me want to trust Him. God doesn't want me to just suffer, He wants me to enjoy the things He chooses to bless me. For example, if I want to pain then I can paint! If I want to be friends with someone, stop the fear and get to know them! And yet what I want the most through all of this freedom is I want to abide in Christ. If I gained the whole world and never had Christ, it would all be a loss. So, I am going to chase to abide in Christ and let His love break down the fear in my life so I can pursue the dreams and purposes He has planned for my life.

So if I am neither hot nor cold, than I will be furstrated. If I don't live life with everything that I have to give, if I hold back because of fear than I will never truly experience the life God has for me. He wants me to be hot or cold, otherwise I will be spit out again and again..bearing no fruit. (Abide in me and you will bear much fruit). I believe abiding and living life to its fullest (being hot/cold) coincide.

Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace -St Francis Assisi

2009-06-29T19:42:00.004-05:00

Wow, these past days I've breathed harder than this past year. My thoughts are accelerating my love toward all. I have thought about my life and how much I have held back from God. But he has not forgotten me and I am so in love with my God, my savior, my best friend who keeps drawing me back to goodness and truth. He is my compass! And today I feel my compass leading me to greater directions than I had for myself.

Check this out: I wanted to get married, serve the regular missionary life of a married couple, maybe do church planting and bible studies. Then I thought about all the struggles that married couples go through. And finally! I think I can breathe again! I have been praying for four years to be released from my desire to be in a relationship, just to be liked or noticed by some guy, but now I am beginning to see that there are greater things than romance. There is love for humankind, for the hopeless and the needy, those that don't even have the chance to pursue college degrees, marriage, or the arts. Now I see new direction.

My new direction: I don't know where God is calling me but these are my dreams. I want to fight world justice. I want my hands and my money to help others. And so I am praying for a compassionate heart!

This is my prayer: God, fill me with compassion for the lost and hopeless. "Here I am, send me!"

So here are my plans, God do what you want with them.

Immediate plans:

1. Be honest with the people around me and share what God has done in my life with my family and friends who don't know how good the LORD is!

2. Paint and create music. Look into taking a pottery class so I can make mugs (I love coffee!). And create jewelry and cards to sell and give the proceeds to missions!

3. Start managing my money with focus of giving.

Future plans:

1. Some day...create a gift shop/coffee shop with 50% of proceeds going to missions. I like to create and so many others do too! So people could give of what they create to be sold. Then it would be a coffee shop to be a place for teens to come hang out instead of doing drugs. (meaning coffee shop open late).

2. Grad school at University of Illinois with the Peace Corps. I can get a masters in Political Science or Sociology/Anthropogy. Maybe I can begin to make a difference for world justice.

effie, mn

2009-06-23T11:48:00.018-05:00

Gracious

2009-06-20T21:46:00.002-05:00

I think if it weren't for grace, I would have no hope. God is teaching me about His grace for me and I can't help but fall in love with Him and yearn for Him, I can't see myself giving my life to another. I walk out into the world and it is as if the world wants to tell me God doesn't love me, He isn't gracious, He is not forgiving, but the still small voice of God is telling me He does. I can even walk into church and feel judged and I must remember that my relationship between God and I is a different level plane than the church. The church can sometimes look like the world, and the church can make me feel judged but God will never look like the world and His love is without bounds. I don't want to turn anywhere else than to God right now, because I know my sin is innumerable, I know my obedience is lacking, I know I am a failure, I know that I can't get it right, and I know I have so much yearning and passions to live that I must give myself to God. He is the only one who will satisfy, because He is Holy and He accepts me just the way I am, because He died for me while I was just the way I would be. Why not fall in love with God?

I finally decided on the tattoo I want to get. I want it above my elbow on the forearm and I have been wanting it in Hebrew of some character trait of God. I decided on Gracious.

abide in me and i will abide in you -jesus

2009-06-16T12:01:00.002-05:00

I have no pictures or wonderful words to say, but I can share what God has been teaching me. I've always thought life was confusing, but I am even more lost as I think about how I really had no clue my relationship with God had fallen kerplunk (plus I can't spell). I thought my relationship with God was the best it could be, that I was doing all I could to keep it revived. But God has been teaching me about "the vine and the branches". I think I get most confused when I am looking at the world instead of in the Bible, which really means that I am not believing the Word is true (much of the time I feel like the world and the Bible do not correlate). Yet the word and its truth is truth whether I can feel it working in my life or not, because it is not about feeling but about what truth is. Therefore I am learning that I need to be in the word a lot more, even if it is hard to read at times. And how do we abide in Christ, by obeying His word. Therefore my goal is to try and read God's word more each day and trust that the truth will produce fruit in my life.

Two Goals

2009-06-09T12:03:00.002-05:00

After having a week in Chicago, I had a lot of time to think. I thank God for that time because He showed me a lot of areas I need to work on. Sometimes I get stuck on changing, because I get into this mindset that everyone is the same. I think that people are all sinful, they will encounter the same things in life and will acheive the same things just appearing in different ways. But that was foolish. And it was also foolish for me to think everyone is the same, because then I would assume all people could do all things, whereas God has clearly made everyone unique to serve different purposes and to work together. So in this revelation I was encouraged because it reminded me that as a unique individual I do have a purpose. I want to embrace how God has created me and use what I enjoy to do to glorify Him. I want to stop being scared to be who I am. That is my first goal, to live without fear and be who I am.

I have a second goal, seeing as I labeled a "first goal". This goal is to stop giving my attention to people who don't need it, don't really want it, and I know I shouldn't be giving it to. In better words, my goal is to give attention to those who deserve it, that want it, and need it. I want to stop distracting myself and really love those who are already trying to get to know and love me. I want to break down the walls I put up and stop looking to give my attention in areas that distract from these relationships.

These are two things God is teaching me right now. Oh, and to deal with my money better so that I can give in ways that help others. But that goes along with goal one and two, but I am not going to go into explaining all of that. :)

my thoughts today seem as meaningless as before, but this is life and we must continue to think

2009-06-06T15:47:00.000-05:00

I want to read a story by Mark Twain. I want to watch Darjeeling Unlimited. I have read the thoughts in The Diving Bell and the Butterfly. I remember past experiences of what I have read and seen, and the music that I have heard. I remember sitting in my room about 15 years old, listening to Deja Entendu. I remember this moment a lot, because I would lay there listening for hours. This was my life in teen years. But now where am I?

I sit here on the computer, the computer that has wasted years from my life. But the computer is just a visual of the unseen: lives that consume of thoughts, images, and audio.

I want to go back to San Antonio and walk the rocks by the river. I want to go outside and find no one to intrude my solitude. Yet, in a city like Chicago there are people everywhere. It is funny because as a Christian I should want to be around people. The Church is full of people, my life as a missionary is called to reach people, and what is family if only made of one person. I know relationships are needed, but sometimes I wish we could
take off
our fiscade and just chill.

Two years ago I sat up after a class in Philosophy, and took a minute to think and slowly pack up my things. Before I knew it the room was vacant and only the teacher and I remained. I told him, "It's funny, everyone is always running from place to place, only to wait at their next destination." We try to make the most of life but end up losing it.

Mango! My favorite fruit.

2009-06-05T20:03:00.000-05:00

I bought mango today, it was really good. The lady that sold it to me lives in the neighborhood of my church so I gave her a card and invited her to church...but still not sure if she knew what I was saying, because she kept saying, "$2? $2?" and nodding with a smile. But I told her spanish speaking people are at my church in the simplist english I could, she looked at the card and smiled.

Pray. I hope she comes. :)

Theory on Oranges, oh and some thoughts.

2009-06-05T18:59:00.000-05:00

So I have this theory that if you let oranges sit on any kind of cloth it will cause the orange to mold. I am not sure why, but I have seen many occurances of this happening. But perhaps its just a coincidence that I am turning into a horrible theory. Nontheless I think it is a theory I will hold onto mostly just to amuse myself.

I have two thoughts from the day,
1.) Chipotle salads are delicious, a busy Chipotle makes for fun employees, and free guacamole is even better!

2.) I realized today that I have a lot to give that I don't give. I have always heard that I was among the richest, but I never let that actually convict me. But I was thinking a lot these past two days about how my life seems so meaningless.

I was walking Chicago today waiting for one of my Chinese friends to meet up with me for lunch. And I walked and walked, and then realized I could probably walk far away from our meeting place if I wouldn't stop, so I stopped at Caribou...got my most favorite drink to buy the cheapest (though still in my opinion not cheap), the cold press coffee with white chocolate. I sat and starting reading from Dont Waste Your Life by John Piper. The chapter I was on was about money. John Piper makes a good point in that Christians don't look different than the rest of the world and why? One huge reason is we materialize in the same way.

So I have been seeing a pattern in my life of things being taken away from me. I lost my 50 gb ipod ($500 when I got it) and my mac book computer sadly broken by me foolishly stepping on it, though I would admit it was halarious "boo boo". Anyways, none of this really bothered me. I know I don't need things.

I never thought that maybe God was trying to teach me something through this, but after reading through Piper I was convicted. This is when I realized I have a lot to give but I do not give it. Perhaps if I started to give my life would have meaning, because I would then be living to glorify Christ. My weakness would not be just to be lacking, but in that others would benefit and perhaps give praise to my Father who is in heaven, the author and perfecter of my faith, the one that has taught me how to be a better person. I believe the verse below sums this all up perfectly.

Matthew 5:16 (New International Version)
In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.

Afflicted

2009-04-03T12:54:00.000-05:00

There is only so much that I can do. The hardest part of life is watching the ones you love struggle, and to be a part of the cause of that struggle. We ourselves are always the problem. We cannot deny that we depend on forgiveness of each other and to grant forgiveness ourselves. We live upon grace to be our hope.

Life is complex, far deeper than our Bible maps out. We see the words of commandments, but the commandments are the blueprint, the do not show the details, the furniture, the dust underneath. Every day is a day to be disciplined by the Lord, our desires crushed, our energy depleted, our focus blurred, that God may crack the gravel of our lives, that he may come in to break away the pavement and cement our lives with Himself. It is in this that I know my life depends on how my prayer life is with God.

He is my portion.

2009-02-13T21:37:00.000-06:00

The more and deeper God shows me my need of Him, the more I am satisfied in Him. An ironic thing to say if you think about it, but also the most profound thing I have been experiencing now. To give up everything to follow Him, the more I receive Him.

The more I receive Him, and gaze on Him, the more I see my undeservedness.

Ah, like Isaiah, as we see God we should say, "Woe is me!" and fall to our faces.

I don't deserve my life, nor His life, but Jesus has revealed Himself and given Himself fully to me. He has saved me from wretched life, He has rescued me! He is my delight and now it is my desire to have everyone I see make Him their delight as well, saving them from wasted years. But how am I to do this? Lord Jesus, help me surrender my selfishness, my pride, my ideas that say I am righteous when I am not. I am sin, I am undeserving, I am hopeless, but God is my everything, He is my glory, my hope, my joy, my restoration! I am NOTHING without Him, and yet with Him I am NOTHING, but with Him I have everything!!! How can such a God give Himself to hopeless people? How can such a love exist? May I fall into His arms daily, surrending everything and delighting in the trials and the joys He sets before me. Lord Jesus, I trust you with my heart, everything. Continue to break me and mold me, and lift up my brothers and sisters to your throne that they may see your holiness, see their sin, and the glory of such a view, for your holiness has given itself fully to us because you commanded it to, and you have brought us into your presence, when we are people who should not even look at you for we would die, but you are our portion Lord....You are my portion.

Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace.

2009-01-29T13:06:00.000-06:00

Lately I have been thinking about suffering and the will of God, how to surrender. God is teaching me that I am instrument for Him and Him alone. I am NOT an instrument for myself. I am not instrument for others. I do not live for the desire of man, I live for the will of God because I trust the heart of His plan: goodness, hope, peace, perfection. Today, I want to surrender not just my mind but all of the things that I say.

My life is His and I will live for Him.

Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi

Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace;

where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury, pardon;

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope;

where there is darkness, light;

and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love;

for it is in giving that we receive,

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.

This..

2009-01-28T19:04:00.001-06:00

I can't explain myself, but I know I am in a dry spot. I came to Moody with high expectations, perhaps believing God would inspire me here, but I am finding that I my life here won't be passion and inspiration, but a struggle that makes me tare through the disappointments to find the only hope I have: Christ, and believing that that is enough.

Right now I want to give up, I have no passion to do the studies and I am disappointed around every corner. I feel like I am in a spot that was created for someone else and not me. It feels like I have forgotten who I was, got confused on the road, and have led myself into a life that I wish I weren't living, not that I don't want to live, I hope for tomorrow, but that today is not the day I want to live.

But, every day is a gift from God. It doesn't matter whether the day fits me, but whether it fits the plan of God. My plans are not His, and I need to surrender my whole heart to Him. All the desires, all the passion, all the expectations, everything must be His and not mine. May I just be able to experience the joy of being beside the work of a mighty God, instead of centering the world upon myself. This is my prayer.

divine romance - phil wickham, and my thoughts

2009-01-05T00:54:00.000-06:00

Lord,

There is no one else that can satisfy.

It's true, I believe.

I won't give in to the lies, that love exists apart from you.

Ah, you created the voice.

You created the creators. And we will worship you.

"In your presence I am completely satisfied."

God I will not turn to false ways.

I will embrace Your love, though I can't see, I can't feel.

For you are my passion, my healing, my aim in life is to know You more.

Oh God use my weak flesh, use my guilty life.

"In Your presence God, I am completely satisfied. For you I sing, I dance. Rejoice in this Divine Romance. Lift my heart and my hands to show my love, to show my love."

We raise our hands to God.

We do not care that the godless faces do not understand.

We care about the love that is unseen.

Lord Jesus, fill my heart. Give me aim to please You with all I have to give, my life.

I rejoice in this divine romance. I will lift my heart and my hands to You alone.

I believe Your word:

Psalm 34

1I will bless the LORD at all times;
   his praise shall continually be in my mouth.
2My soul makes its boast in the LORD;
   let the humble hear and be glad.
3Oh, magnify the LORD with me,
   and let us exalt his name together!

4I sought the LORD, and he answered me
   and delivered me from all my fears.
5Those who look to him are radiant,
   and their faces shall never be ashamed.
6This poor man cried, and the LORD heard him
   and saved him out of all his troubles.
7The angel of the LORD encamps
   around those who fear him, and delivers them.

8Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good!
   Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!
9Oh, fear the LORD, you his saints,
   for those who fear him have no lack!
10The young lions suffer want and hunger;
   but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.

11Come, O children, listen to me;
   I will teach you the fear of the LORD.
12What man is there who desires life
   and loves many days, that he may see good?
13 Keep your tongue from evil
   and your lips from speaking deceit.
14Turn away from evil and do good;
   seek peace and pursue it.

15The eyes of the LORD are toward the righteous
   and his ears toward their cry.
16The face of the LORD is against those who do evil,
   to cut off the memory of them from the earth.
17When the righteous cry for help, the LORD hears
   and delivers them out of all their troubles.
18The LORD is near to the brokenhearted
   and saves the crushed in spirit.

19Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
   but the LORD delivers him out of them all.
20He keeps all his bones;
   not one of them is broken.
21Affliction will slay the wicked,
   and those who hate the righteous will be condemned.
22The LORD redeems the life of his servants;
   none of those who take refuge in him will be condemned.

Suffering and Joy

2008-12-29T23:17:00.001-06:00

I don’t feel like I have the power to say what I would like, I don’t feel I have the knowledge to express it, and I am almost positive that what I say now will never be brought to attention in the future.

Words. They have power to destroy, and power to heal. As the Bible tells me in a passage I have forgotten the reference to. I do know that this is true. I’ve seen how words can mend a fight. I have seen how words have destroyed what “could have been”.

If I could ask for one thing right now, I think I would selfishly say I’d like to find my peace, despite many others that could have had peace by my request. I am driven by feeling and I am not sure how to counteract it.

Right now, life is my enemy. It is time alloted for suffering and endurance. I know the purposes are good because I know that God is good, but nonetheless it all seems evil to me. It is like chasing after wind. I am beginning to see why Ecclesiastes is full of wise sayings. Life is like chasing after the wind because we believe we are chasing after dreams, only to never achieve them or to achieve them and find we lose it eventually. If this isn’t evil, what is?

I want to harden my heart toward God, because I know He has called me to suffer for He is the maker, the creator, the allotter of our days; and I am not. I want to scream at Him and tell Him I can’t do it, I don’t want to do it: live. But what else is there on earth, but to live to please God and wait for the day of salvation?

I wanted to be a lady whom people saw and were filled with awe, passion, inspiration to follow God. I wanted to be someone who people saw that I gave everything to God. When it comes down to it becoming hard, I become a sissy and run away, I cry, I scream, I become emotional. Awe, the beauty of emotions. God created them and yet they seem to be the enemy when suffering comes.

I know one thing: I want to live.

I want to see the sun shine tomorrow. It is a reminder that God’s mercies are new every morning. Forever our souls can rest.

I want to see the world. I want to travel. I want to see culture, going to coffee shops. I want to be with someone who needs Christ’s love and to just be with them in a nice place, to give them compassion, joy, and love.

I want to see my friends and family just accept God, without the effort. Why couldn’t life be simpler?

I want to feel the warmth of summer.

I want to climb rocks with my best friends.

I want to laugh. make memories.

I don’t want to not live, but suffering stops the joy.

I don’t know how to live with joy when I am suffering, but I do know this:

John 16:21-22

A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.

I know He is good.

Psalm 119:50

My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.

2008-10-18T01:08:00.000-05:00

I don't understand. I'll never understand. There are times I think I understand, but life slaps me in the face and whacks it all out of proportion. I think the pain in my life is not necessarily self pain, but the pain around me. I am suffering through tears of the suffering of those around me. What is this life? a joke? It can't be when there are so many beautiful things, and I hope in love. I hope that someday everything will be right again. Tears will be wiped, a song will be sung among us, and we will all be at peace. Yet what is the price for peace?

2008-10-15T20:35:00.000-05:00

God, give me a vision. How can I hear that talk tonight about suffering for You and yet not know Your calling ? Must I always be patient? I guess it is not fair to ask such a question, when You shouldn't be questioned, but I am feeling alone. I am feeling struck down and abandoned. God I want to open my heart to You. I don't want my mind to be filled with thoughts of him, I don't want to be filled with desires that are for selfish desiree. God how can we ever enjoy life and be safe in Your arms? God is everything okay? Should I change something, remove something, should I just be still? I don't know what to do? Should I do more? Should I just talk to every person I can manageably talk to about You Lord? I want to be with and in You Lord. I really don't want anything else, but feeling alone and feeling down is not so grand. God can I stand just in Your word? What about Your presence, or a vision? or some kind of guidance? How long does patience last? How long to wait, or are you calling me to act in faith? Maybe I am not to ask why? How can I control my thoughts and my desires, can You take control?

LORD, come.

LORD, hold me.

LORD, never let go.

I am alone.

The heart becomes stone.

I need you this time,

fall on me.

How can I be fine?

pour over me.

Where are the angles?

Where are the promises to cling to?

Where is the hope to cling to?

Where are the people to hold onto?

Why is the soul restless within me?

How can I desire something more than You?

How do I let it go? How do I rid myself of temptation?

Forgive me LORD.

Forgive me Father.

Forgive me Jesus.

Forgive me Holy Spirit.

I can not live without Your guidance Father.

I can not live without Your love Jesus.

I can not not live in the Spirit of truth.

How can I be led again by You?

How can I come back into restoration?

My heart and mind have failed me again and again.

I am not giving You my best, I am letting my sin flee me into oblivious disclosure from You.

I want to be restored.

Take away my mind,

Take away my time,

Carry me away.

What kind of time is this?

2008-08-29T17:39:00.000-05:00

What kind of patience am I laying out today? There is no need for loud conversations, mediocre conversations, mildly entertaining conversations, perhaps conversations in general. The only conversation that would feed is that of silence, hmm, silence of another that would listen and not attach itself to every breath, or maybe just no company at all. Yet being alone does not appease. Not when your soul is discontent. I want to find a place where I feel right; not always great (that can sometimes freak people out), neither horrible; simply just right. I find myself when the tides come up the shore, I hold back and wonder what I am in for. I question myself and my choices, forgetting that God is in front of the sail. What is it to trust in Him? Trust. Trust in His timing, trust in the friendships He gives and the friendships He takes away, and the waiting period for friendships longed. Does not the Bible tell us about God's deepest desire for relationships. Do not murder? Who does this deeply hurt. It does not hurt just God, and why does it hurt God in the first place, as if it should hurt God...? Does this verse ever speak to us or are we on the surface, doctrine and advice repeated. The Bible does not come from the "will of man" (2 Timothy), but it comes from God. Still our mouths repeat the "Christian Jargon", as if repeating will finally get the point across. What would happen if we studied the scriptures and saw the beauty behind even the verse of "Do not murder." Then as we would look at Paul's words of encouragement on God's love for the church, we can see that "Do not murder" does not simply mean LAW, but means friendship. Jesus said that we are His friends. WAIT A MINUTE? Was I not just wrestling with friendship? There is no longing inside of us or desire that God can not fill. He cares about our relationships with each other, His character care (for what else can justice mean for those that are the victim of murder?), and a Son who has called us into friendship with Him. Who else can be better friends with us than Him who knows our heart? Trust. Trust Him to bring those that will listen, those that will sit in quiet, those that will be there as the Son desires to be there through the instruments of people. Yet, remember that the greatest love is this: that one should lie down his life his his friend. And this is exactly what Jesus did to us. Let's begin to enjoy a friendship with a magnificent Christ.

its not a good day today..

2008-07-19T13:54:00.000-05:00

My eyes sting from holding the tears back

as I continually hear the fighting around me.

I wish that I could gather all the I lack

and smash it into the mouths of the noise.

I hear the voices around me saying,

"I want to believe, please help me believe."

But I can't stand not having the power to save

and all I know is that which always leaves.

Is there a constant, when friends leave?

Is there a peace, when all there is is noise?

Is there really something to believe?

when all you have is all that annoys.

Thoughts on the Sluggard

2008-07-07T09:24:00.001-05:00

I've been bugged much of my Christian life by two verses, one I will share, being this:

Proverbs 6:9-11

9 How long will you lie there, you sluggard?

When will you get up from your sleep?

10 A little sleep, a little slumber,
a little folding of the hands to rest-

11 and poverty will come on you like a bandit
and scarcity like an armed man.

But this past week as I have been laying in bed, just wanting to sleep, I have been thinking of this verse. I wonder sometimes why it is in the Bible, because if I have a little rest here and there, will poverty really run after me? I was reading in the ESV version and I thought it was interesting because verse 11 ends with saying, "and want like an armed man." The word "want" got to me, because this week as I have done much of lying in bed, turning over and over, not wanting to get up, I see through the day how I want and want. I want to hang out with my friends, I want life to be enjoyable, I want happiness. And yet the want perhaps is there because I am letting poverty chase after me. But I love being the sluggard so much, that I block out this verse or I give myself a justified reason about doing it, that I never have considered what this verse really meant. And then as I was reading it over and over this morning, to get myself out of bed, I came online and was convicted when I read this verse:

Psalm 18:3

As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the LORD is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him.

I think to see the truth in this proverb, that it is wisdom here to help not to burden, perhaps life will start to make sense. Perhaps serving other people, and having a job, and LIVING this life will make sense. For God's word is without err! "He is a shield for all who take refuge in him." And I wonder, why do I pick and chose my verses?

a thought

2008-06-24T22:30:00.001-05:00

I wish I could simply give up...you know?? sometimes it feels like there is no strength yet, you feel like you need to be joyful all the time but you cant seem to get it all together....maybe i am not meant to have it all together. maybe really all i am called to do is to every day come to an understanding that i dont have it all together. to be reminded that all the glory goes to God, not myself. I wish that I could fight these desires effortlessly, but life really calls for much more, it calls for endurance, understanding, patience, trust, rest in God, etc. I don't want to do any of these things, because I feel weak. But I need to remember that I am strong in Christ.

frustrations

2008-06-17T17:25:00.000-05:00

My biggest frustration in ministry is seeing people's lack of pursuit in getting involved. I feel like if people were more willing to serve and to step out and make things happen, then the church would be working as it should be. Yet, people come to church and expect to be fed, and that is all they come to church for. No one wants to carry the burden of another. Have you ever tried to start a prayer group? These are the hardest groups to start. Because people wants things now and they want it to be entertaining. They want it to feed them, or they won't show up to the event. They want and want and want, and yet never give unless its easy. Why is the church so selfish seemingly ALL THE TIME? Gah, it seems like there are leaders but no one willing to follow.

desires

2008-06-14T20:05:00.000-05:00

I am not sure what I want these days. I am not sure what to run after and what to just sit here and wait to happen on its own. I am not sure what I am doing right now with my life except that I am letting God just use me however He wants to. But I am finding myself having dreams and desires crushed. I wonder if it is possible for the will of God and the dreams of the hearts in men can come together. I would like to think they could. Why else would God create these desires in our hearts? I want to serve God with everything in me but it makes it so hard when my desires are just sitting inside me suffocating, not being let out to live. I want to do art, I want to pray with other people, I want to fall in love with a man, I want to travel around the world, I want to learn guitar and the banjo and be able to create my own folk music, I want to take worship songs and turn them into something artistically beautiful to the ear, I want to make music sound like the earth created, I want to be able to laugh with my family and know they are going to heaven, I want to go on a road trip and feel the air in the window, laugh with friends, and to make memories. I want all of these things, but focusing on getting the tasks done each day, the drudgery of the day, the battle of finances and time, and being responsible, it all feels like I am missing out on life. But I don't want to. These desires in me want to be free, but I do not know how to make responsibility and joy come together. Maybe in time, or even now, God will teach me.

struggle

2008-06-06T23:47:00.001-05:00

I struggle to understand how to live rightly before God and yet remain sane. How do you endure? Everything in me feels like it is tightening up, so I take a deep breath and I move forward. I do what He has called me to. I grab hold of the rope and pull as hard as I can, to win the struggle. Yet, I feel weak. I feel alone. I feel discouraged. I feel burdened. I wish there were a way out of having to endure, but there is not. So "I am pressing on".

I wonder sometimes..

2008-05-24T00:45:00.000-05:00

I guess it is really shallow of me to get mad at other people when they fail to care for me when I have a need. I mean most of us from church are trying to live by the Bible, but then I get so frustrated when the body is not working. Am I wrong to be mad when people are motivated to serve only when in some way it will bring them joy? What does it really mean to be a servant? I see so many people being an example of Christ from their own text booked bible in their head, but what about instead of thinking of all the words of the Bible scrambled in your head, why don't you pray to Christ for once and get in contact with the Spirit of God when you feel like being an example of Christ? I remember reading devotions and a chapter in a class about humility. Continually it talked about false humility. It talked about how false humility is not the act of being humble, but a heart change. It convicted me to see that even if I act humble, and even though I am pushing myself to try to be humble, there is in fact the possibility that I am not being humble at all and am in fact by the act of trying to act humble, I am not humble at all but extremely prideful. As I look back at tonight when I saw a few that not only did not want to help me get a ride, I saw that many did not give a response, but looked away. (Sorry if this was you and you are reading this, but hear what I have to say instead of being offended.) I look at this event, and honestly I do the same thing all the time! Someone asks me to involve myself with them in any way that I don't like, I shy away from that. Yet, God has called us to be the body, and one that is alive! I read a book and it gave testimony to a Church, or if you even read through Acts, there was the act of the rich giving to the poor. What a testimony! To not worry about money and to see it as God's. Why didn't anyone give me a ride? Do we fail to see that God will provide and bless when we seek to be servants with caring hearts, looking out for each other. Yet, when I asked people for a ride, everyone bowed their heads low. I was mad at this. I was mad because I felt a need and yet no one cared to even tell me politely no, many ignored and some gave haughty looks at me. I think of this and I wonder if I am even allowed to judge this instance, but it really tells a lot about humans in the church. The church is not perfect, many times we put ourselves and our needs first, and majorly the Church is HORRIBLE with money. We fail to give up our possesions for one another and did not Jesus say that it is hard for the rich to get into heaven? Why then is the Church so eager to hold tight to money and the worry of it all, when Jesus does not say "keep your money" but He says "give to the poor". It is odd to think that God says "do not worry" nor "be anxious", and yet we let both of those things get in the way of loving each other and caring for each other's needs. Perhaps I failed to care by realizing perhaps I should not have asked for help, but is that a feeling someone in the church should feel? that they can not ask for help? I think amazing things would happen if people would start giving of each other to each other, and caring. We are told that the commandments are summed up as "love your God" and then "love your neighbor as yourself" and yet many times our selfishness and our worries drive us to "love yourself", "maybe love God", and "if i have the time and money, ill love my neighbor".

i want to read this book

2008-05-20T15:19:00.000-05:00

And I recommend you read this book by C.S. Lewis before reading any of his works, or if you have, read it because it puts in perspective this man's voice! It is a biography slash his voice on joy.

I think C.S. Lewis is becoming one of my favorite writers. :)

Poem

2008-05-14T02:19:00.000-05:00

The Fight

The current of air blew in

Sweeping the corpse clean

A tide amongst the shore, collide.

They screamed, "shoot the breeze".

The clowns played the stage

as the puppets were made

into the fade the gray amazed

The eyes awakened, into a cage.

Their life a bottle,

the Spirit moving in, fall.

Their dignity suffered below

as they tried to fit it all.

A whisper welcomed itself amongst

As the stage played and with that, repose

Heavily poured the ghost upon us,

but they only left a silent Jesus.

A crowd who calls themself God.

A God who calls Himself man.

Article

2008-05-13T17:45:00.000-05:00

It is pretty sad to see things like this said and distributed:

Einstein Letter

Again, even with all of these threats, what will happen if one day we pay for it.

Ahmadinejad

idols

2008-05-09T23:47:00.000-05:00

I wonder what it means to be fully in Christ, to get rid of all your idols. What would really happen if we destroyed all of our idols? I always have liked to think (who wouldn't?) that I do not have any idols, because the obvious idols are not there. Obvious idols of alcohol, sex, dating in its wrong form, etc. I do not have these idols and I do not even have an idol of wanting to look at someone else's opinion above God's. Yet, what would happen if we searched and removed the idols that are hard to find? What would happen to my relationship with Christ? Maybe all of the pain that I am struggling with right now is because of the idols that are separating me from Him. My idols of self, internet, lust, laziness, gluttony, anger, sleep, and even music/movies. What would happen if we were honest with ourselves and stopped trying to justify and get as close to the edge of sin as possible? How close can I get without sinning? Yet, we are to run away from these things! I must persevere and run toward my Savior, who promises comfort and peace.

What would happen if we removed all of our idols? I think it is beyond our understanding, to grasp how magnificent God could work through us!

paper so far

2008-05-08T23:19:00.001-05:00

Oh I am so happy to be listening to Brand New's CD "Deja Entendu".

I remember just three years ago laying in my room, listening to Brand New's album "Deja Entendu" with the lights out, singing along and dwelling in my existence but dwelling in wanting to escape. I escaped through my music. I was able to endure and enjoy in the midst of the suffering, the loneliness, and the faults of my own hands. I was able to somehow embrace my own artificial paradise. I became just like the Dadaists, in their attempt to escape this world through art. I was able to know that somehow I wasn't alone, because the words of the song in my ear where speaking of what was dwelling inside of me.

I look back, and I am not shamed; but I look at it and I can see how my desire to dwell in another paradise is just my need to be in the presence of God. As I was reading C.S. Lewis's book, I found I could relate with Lewis as he speaks of his love for writings, his love for the imaginary and then later in his story, his love for nature and the escape into reading. In the end, he attributes all of this, the desire to enjoy, to one source: Joy. Yet, this is not just any type of joy; not a joy that people can create, but it is the source of all that is enjoyable. Lewis brings in an example, "I read in Alexander's Space Time and Deity his theory of 'Enjoyment' and 'Contemplation.' These are the technical terms in Alexander's philosophy; 'Enjoyment' has nothing to do with pleasure, nor 'Contemplation' with the contemplative life" (217). He goes on to explain this and concludes that if we are in pleasure, it does not mean that we have found joy. For he says in example to hope, "You cannot hope and also think about hoping at the same moment; for in hope we look to hope's object and we interrupt this by (so to speak) turning round to look at hope itself". He even explains that even though we can hope and have hope in that "they intercede" with each other, we also must understand that they are separate (218). This is really interesting. For me to find enjoyment in the things around me, this does not mean that I have found joy. There is a difference between finding pleasure and being led into joy (or even more accurately put: away from joy, as we are "looking back" not forward), than actually having Joy.

Therefore, what I want to speak about is how C.S. Lewis eventually "kicking and screaming" (229) finds that what he is in search for is an undeniable existent God, who is tasted through the enjoyment of this world, but is also separate from this world (an Enjoyment that is separate from pleasure). For he talks about how he always thought of joy as being something that was a place, something to be in the midst of; not that joy was an actual being: that which would be God. For he puts it in his own words saying, "I had hoped that the heart of reality might be of such a kind that we can best symbolize it as a place; instead, I found it to be a Person" (230).

What does it mean for joy to be a Person instead of just a place? I look back earlier in the book when Lewis is talking about how his enjoyments never satisfied,

"...my own experience had repeatedly shown that these romantic images had never been more than a sort of flash, or even slag, thrown off by the occurrence of Joy, that those mountains and gardens had never been what I wanted but only symbols which professed themselves to be no more, and that every effort to treat them as the real Desirable soon honestly proved itself to be a failure" (204).

Throughout the book he goes through the periods in his life when he gave himself up to enjoyment, and how he moved from on thing to another, in search of something. In the end he came to be convinced that he could not be satisfied. He says later on, "I perceived (and this was a wonder of wonders) that just as I had been wrong in supposing that I really desired the Garden of the Hesperides, so also I had been equally wrong in supposing that I desired Joy itself. Joy itself, considered simply as an event in my own mind, turned out to be of no value at all." As he felt joy to be a pleasure constant in his mind, he found that this was unattainable and thought outside this world toward joy, "Inexorably joy proclaimed, 'You want-I myself am your want of-something other, outside, not you nor any state of you" (221). He finally came to conclude that this joy he was looking for was not of this world, because he had tried so many times to find it that he failed.

The example of playing with pleasure and not really finding joy is like deceiving yourself. Lewis says, "You may have deceived yourself, but experience is not trying to deceive you. The universe rings true wherever you fairly test it" (177). For me this is good for me to read, because even though I enjoy to do graphic design, to play music, and be outside in nature, I need to make the distinction that pleasure can lead me away from God if I deceive myself of truth, or I can embrace truth by recognizing that Joy is not in the pleasure, but merely a reflection.

Still there is one thing that opened my eyes to the beauty of what Joy really is as I was reading this book. As I think of what joy really entails I think also of all the things that I have honestly lusted for: the desire for relationships, to find passion in art, to find passion in music, to intimately give of each other to care and love beyond caring of the consequences of foolish actions when giving one's self to artificial paradises, which include drugs and alcohol as well as art, music, and other things we escape reality with. I see that maybe the passion in all of these things, is perhaps not edify-able because we are not in the long run ending up in the destination. It may be, if I can be so bold to relate these things, that these pleasures and desires (reading, art, music, relationships, etc.) are a reflection, or a taste, of what Joy is and yet is not Joy and this is why it fails and even deceives us. And not to say that these things are beautiful to God (when we make idols for ourselves), but that this unified desire to want something to fill the need inside of us and to enjoy is a reflection of the lack of Joy in one's life. Do we, who are Christians, really find our enjoyment when we play with "idols", when we delve into pleasures and "artificial paradises"? I think not. And to think of Joy as a person, rather than a place, is to understand in a larger perspective. It then begs the question of me, "If I find pleasure in these small things, how much more enjoyable is actually having that Joy which is the source of it all?"

i wonder why people wont take things seriously

2008-05-08T16:07:00.001-05:00

How can we say there is no reason to fight the war in Iraq when stuff like this is being said:

http://www.jpost.com/servlet/Satellite?cid=1209627040670&pagename=JPost%2FJPArticle%2FShowFull

To think that I have thought it all is a shame

2008-05-08T00:48:00.000-05:00

I am ashamed. There is so much that I do not understand or know. I look highly upon myself as I can answer the bible questions, when shamefully I am not able to understand or comprehend this life. As in Job God asks if we are the ones that created, if we are the ones that made it all; I can see how stupid I really am. I am a speck of dust compared to Him. As I have been reading Surprised by Joy by C.S. Lewis, I find my head feeling like it is exploding from the tension of trying so hard to understand what he is saying! It has been a while since I have come to this point, and have gone wow, I don't know anything!! Yes, I know the Bible answers and the basic faith, and maybe that is all I NEED to know, but when I look upon myself as a know-it-all I am a shame. There is so much knowledge, so many different religions and philosophies out there, and for me to think I understand it all already is like saying that I am God, I have it all figured out. What a pity.

What I am learning as of late

2008-05-07T14:12:00.000-05:00

I am learning a lot lately about how to be physically disciplined. I have been trained in the mind to understand the Word, though I know I have a lot more to learn. What I mean to say is that from all the basic elementary truth, I know it but I have not put it into practice. I have not made it a part of my daily life. Like not being "tossed by the waves of the sea", but being constant in love and not getting angry because I have got a lack of sleep. I am learning to be diligent. :)

Oh, and I also learned I like chai tea if it has vanilla flavor in it! MM! :P

Wait

2008-05-04T21:08:00.000-05:00

I want to live with passion. Something in me wants more of God and His ability to work through me. I want to do live for Him, and I don't mean following His commands, but I mean to live with Him in me. There is something about His passion that will drive me to do anything. I want to do something that will make change, but how do I do this? All I can do is pray and hope that somehow I can see God work.

drained

2008-05-02T13:05:00.000-05:00

Is it wrong of me to feel down, because I feel a lack in community? I've got not energy left in me, only that which God provides. I know that we must live on God's strength, but it is a difficult feeling and a test of faith when you run out of your own energy. I've felt groggy all day and I felt angry and sad and I felt like I should cry but I can't, and I tried to search for something to get excited about, but there is none. It is scary when you go to the word and feel like you cannot find the answer. But God is not an immediate God. He answers in perfect timing. But what do you do, but be patient and wait? What do you do except dwell in the negativity of the mind and endure until sometime perhaps you will reencounter the joy you know so well. I would like to blame my sorrows on the people around me and a lack of community. I wold like to blame the lack of community on the rule of not being able to watch movies nor have girls/guys on each other's floors. I feel like this suppresses community so much. Perhaps because when I am at home, that is what we do. We all get together to watch movies at home. Yet, amongst the sorrow who around here is to help me laugh? I don't expect people to crawl at my needs, but I do desire to "encourage each other", but I feel like when I step out to encourage no one is there to encourage me back. Am I just blind or am I really being drained here? How can I be drained when I am around Christian's constantly? Something is wrong, and I hope I am not part of the problem and I hope perhaps I am just blind and that God would open my eyes to see the how the body is working. I just wanted to say I feel drained, and I can't fix it and when I call on God, He just seems to make me wait, so all I can do is wait. I am done tying to fix it.

life it seems to prolong, disappear, and drag itself upon us. we are soldiers in a world that fights against us

2008-04-19T22:57:00.001-05:00

I can't do this, but I will. What else can I do?

If I run into the depths of the sea, God is still there.

I don't know what kind of hope to bring to people, I don't know what kind of love to keep offering. There is nothing in me that can truly provide. Why do I try?

In everything I do, I will still mess up. In ever good deed, I will still be lacking. I will never be able to fulfill holiness. So why does He ask me to be holy? because He is holy? what does that mean? I can't live it.

Oh God.

Where are you? "Please don't tell me the reason you aren't here is because you are everywhere."

I miss my past, I miss the joy. Why does it seem like the more you live, the more it is harder to dream and believe?

Please, whoever is reading this, don't let passion leave your heart. Fight for it, because it is all we have.

2008-04-15T23:07:00.001-05:00

Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law. Romans 13:8

Prayer Group

2008-04-14T23:48:00.000-05:00

So, I started a prayer group with my friend Emily. Would you please pray for it. No one showed up tonight to pray with us, but I pray that people would be inspired to pray and would feel that with this group, it would be a safe place for them to come pray! I would love to see God use this somehow. :)

2008-04-13T12:04:00.000-05:00

I needed this verse today:

Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, "So shall your offspring be." Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead -- since he was about a hundred years old -- and that Sarah's womb was also dead. Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised.

Romans 4:18-21

Suffering, Service, Supplication

2008-04-09T18:28:00.001-05:00

I heard a speaker today talking about how we are to endure life. That life is hard and that it will get harder, and that is just the way it is. Besides this today, two days earlier I read a book about a martyr. I have always felt sick to my stomach about thinking of the thought of suffering physical pain for the cause of Christ. I guess I just hate pain, and who doesn't? Ah, but shouldn't Christ's sacrifice for me be enough to fill me with joy of His love to encourage me to endure pain for Him, that is the least I could do. right? I have been continually reminded lately that becoming a Christian does not mean all glory and peace, it does not mean that I have found the fairy tale (yet), and it does not mean that life is fixed. Every day I struggle to die to myself, I struggle against selfishness and not wanting to obey, I struggle with the lust and desires of my heart that are not in tune with God's heart, I struggle with wanting to gratify myself before anyone else, I struggle with wanting to be in control and have everything fit into a perfect picture life for me, I struggle with wanting to glorify myself and aim to attain the best life fit for me. But this is not going to benefit me, no matter how much I want to twist the laws of this world, no matter how much I want to make "my ways" His ways. There is no denying that I am screwed up and so is everyone around me, we all are. The only way I am going to fix this world is by helping serve those around me, and I believe that if more of us served each other because I believe in the power of community, that it will help encourage us and to be there for each other amongst the suffering to endure. God says He does not leave us alone, He is with us always. Instead of seeing life as a suffering pit to wither through, I can look it as this: Christ suffered and the more I suffer the closer I come to understanding His heart and what He went through. I also believe that suffering strengthens our character and keeps us from failing each other, it reminds us of the gross depravity of sin, to keep us aware of trying to obey God's word in order to love and to spur on peace in this world, instead of being the one that does not care, gratifies himself and loves the sin that so depraves man. We must hate sin, we must endure suffering, we must seek God's love otherwise we will never be encouraged to endure and to find that joy amongst the suffering, and we must fight together, and if we must be alone the Son will never leave us, His presence will be with us. So, fight with me and endure this life with me, and seek truth and justice. Seek that which is right, because we so desperately need it.

suffering makes the scripture come alive

2008-04-04T21:48:00.000-05:00

What is life if we never suffer? What is knowing Christ if you never experience His comfort within the suffering? Can we live life to its fullest and avoid suffering at the same time?

God,

Take my life and let it be..

Take all of me Jesus, here I am...send me!

I want the fullness of life, even if it means fullness in suffering, so that I can experience You to the fullest.

I live my life in pursuit of You, and nothing else can satisfy.

I trust in You, I put my hope in You, and I surrender to You.

Come Lord Jesus Come.

Thirsty

2008-04-04T15:46:00.000-05:00

I look back at high school. I remember wanting to be popular. I remember looking at the crowd in awe, as if I was missing out on something. I see how some who were at my level rose above and how many did not. I see the struggle between the male and female to fulfill something perhaps by dating to fill in a lack, or the struggle to get together and just try to enjoy, to get drunk together, to get high together. I remember struggling myself with desiring to be loved, to be enjoyed, to just belong somewhere. Yes, we all want to fit in. But there is something deeper at work. It is not just high school, because even now as I am sitting here at Moody Bible Institute, never thinking that I would be going here, I find myself assured and yes disillusioned. I am disillusioned by my desire to fit in, my desire to belong even at a place where belonging is already engraved. There is something in us that desires to have purpose, to succeed, to reveal to an unbelieving world that we don't mean to be outright jerks, we just want to belong and be accepted. Ya, a lot of the time we are fake, a lot of the time we mess up, and a lot of the times we are just plain weak. How many of us actually believe in ourselves and love ourselves? It is a pity to live but not love, it is a pity to get caught up in wanting to be accepted that you forget your purpose and cannot find it, it is a pity to drown in self pity while all the confidence is tried to be resurfaced as we pour into ourselves depression pills, and a pity as we falter but hide to try to mask that we have even failed, and we have forgotten to believe in one another without expecting someone to deserve being believed in. What happened to the fact that you are human is enough to deserve being believed in? We talk about suppressing the poor, but we ourselves who have risen to the top of the social scale have neglected those are the bottom. And does not the bible say that when you are weak you are strong? Many times we get caught up in just wanting to feel better about ourselves that we act irrationally. I don't know why it is I want to just feel loved right now, and even knowing that I am loved by God does not seem to remove the loneliness inside me. I have friends, I have God, but still I am just me, enclosed away from anything. I think maybe what I am struggling with and the world's problem in general, is that we are thirsty for the Spirit. We feel lack because God's Holy Spirit has left the bodies. To find what we are looking for we must drink the word of God, be filled with the Holy Spirit, and this is when we find what we've been looking for.

Revelations 22:17 The Spirit and the bride say, "Come." And let the one who hears say, "Come." And let the one who is thirsty come; let the one who wishes take the water of life without cost.

control freak i am

2008-03-26T11:46:00.000-05:00

It's ironic how you can feel like you are two separate people. You become humble and kind, but you also can become angry and mean. This week stress has been calling my not so nice side to come out and play. I don't always understand why God allows us to act the way we do, or allows us to feel that way we do, but He has a purpose. Today I am going to forget about the anxieties and the worries and rest in His faithfulness. My salvation is kept in heaven, never to be taken away from me for it is kept safe. I have a hope to be at peace even when the world around me is crumbling and falling on top of me. The weight may be heavy, but my God is there to make it seem light in comparison to His awesome grace and love for me. Please, if you read this, take time to pray for me. I am struggling to become a woman of patience, long suffering, and kindness. I am learning to be gentle when I do not feel so gentle inside. Pray that Czech will teach me things and that I get amazing God-led opportunities to help people draw nearer to God. Pray also that I can finish school off strong. I am going to learn to rest in the presence of God and let Him take control of that which I keep letting fall out of my hands.

present

2008-03-20T00:41:00.000-05:00

We are always living for the future, hoping for something more than today. We look to each other to search for something to be revealed, only to find that we all are only given today. Nobody holds the secret or the key to more joy. No relationship is going to fill you up. You can experience the joy of friendship and romance, but what happens when all you do is wait for that phone call from someone or wait to hang out with people. What happens along the way? Life is waiting for you to live, but you are waiting to live while life is already there. We believe that we can find happiness in other people. We believe we can find happiness in a career or in artificial paradises that we create to live in, when the real world is still here dragging you along.

I struggle with this terribly. I want to fall in love. I want a man to sweep me off my feet, teach me about love, and to bring me to where life is. Yet, while I live in these fantasy worlds, I am missing out on today. When all I do is wait for someone to reply or someone to call me to hang out, I am missing out on right now. Yes, there is such thing as patience. But I do not think patience means ignoring the present. I think it takes more patience to live out the present than to live in the future. I am not going to live by being fed through phone calls, the presence of others, waiting to be done with work, or other things. I want to live in the present, to its fullest, and to find my joy in Christ in the now, not when I get married. I am going to find the truth of the present, for the present is my future.

This was not part of the original post...

I want to make note what God just showed me in 1 Timothy:

^4:1But the Spirit saith expressly, that in later times some shall fall away from the faith, giving heed to seducing spirits and doctrines of demons, ^4:2through the hypocrisy of men that speak lies, branded in their own conscience as with a hot iron; ^4:3forbidding to marry, and commanding to abstain from meats, which God created to be received with thanksgiving by them that believe and know the truth. ^4:4For every creature of God is good, and nothing is to be rejected, if it be received with thanksgiving: ^4:5for it is sanctified through the word of God and prayer. ^4:6If thou put the brethren in mind of these things, thou shalt be a good minister of Christ Jesus, nourished in the words of the faith, and of the good doctrine which thou hast followed until now: ^4:7but refuse profane and old wives' fables. And exercise thyself unto godliness: ^4:8for bodily exercise is profitable for a little; but godliness is profitable for all things, having promise of the life which now is, and of that which is to come.

Godliness has profit for now.

God has made all things right if we bathe it in prayer and thanksgiving.

The idea of marriage being forbidden is a lie, despite 1 Corinthians saying it is better not to be married, for "nothing is to be rejected". If God gives us marriage we are to accept it with thanksgiving.

I am being taught to allow God to give me His blessings, because lately it has been hard to believe God would want to bless me but that is a fault of pride and ignorance toward God's forgiveness and goodness.

Isaiah 1:1-20 (NCV)

2008-03-17T23:00:00.000-05:00

Heaven and earth, listen, because the Lord is speaking:

"I raised my children and helped them grow up,

but they have turned against me.

An ox knows its master, and a donkey knows where its owner feeds it,

but the people of Israel do not know me;

my people do not understand."

How terrible! Israel is a nation of sin, a people loaded down with guilt, a group of children doing evil, children who are full of evil. They have left the Lord.; they hate God, the Holy One of Israel, and have turned away from him as if he were a stranger.

Why should you continue to be punished? Why do you continue to turn against him? Your whole head is hurt, and your whole heart is sick. There is no healthy spot from the bottom of your foot to the top of your head; you are covered with wounds, hurts and open sores that are not cleaned and covered, and no medicine takes away the pain.

Your land is ruined; your cities have been burned with fire. While you watch, your enemies are stealing everything from your land; it is ruined like a country destroyed by enemies. Jerusalem is left alone like an empty shelter in a vineyard, like a hut left in a field of melons, like a city surrounded by enemies. The Lord All-Powerful allowed a few of our people to live. Otherwise we would have been completely destroyed like the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah.

Jerusalem, your rulers are like those of Sodom, and our people are like those of Gomorrah. Hear the word of the Lord; listen to the teaching of our God!

The Lord says,

"I do not want all these sacrifices.

I have had enough of your burnt sacrifices of male sheep and fat from fine animals.

I am not pleased

by the blood of bulls, lambs, and goats.

You come to meet with me,

but who asked you to do all this running in and out of my Temple's rooms?

Don't continue bringing me worthless sacrifices!

I hate the incense you burn.

I can't stand your New Moons, Sabbaths, and other feast days;

I can't stand the evil you do in your holy meetings.

I hate your New Moon feasts and your other yearly feasts. They have become a heavy weight on me, and I am tired of carrying it.

When you raise your arms to me in prayer, I will refuse to look at you. Even if you say many prayers, I will not listen to you, because your hands are full of blood.

Wash yourselves and make yourself clean. Stop doing the evil things I see you do. Stop doing wrong, Learn to do good.

Seek justice. Punish those who hurt others.

Help the orphans. Stand up for the rights of the widows."

The Lord says,

"Come, let us talk about these things.

Though yours sins are like scarlet,

they can be white as snow.

Though your sins are deep red,

they can be white like wool.

If you become willing and obey me,

you will eat good crops from the land.

But if you refuse to obey and if you turn against me,

you will be destroyed by your enemies' swords."

The Lord himself said these things.

To know Him more

2008-03-16T21:53:00.000-05:00

All to Jesus, I surrender
Lord I give myself to Thee
Let me feel Thee, Holy Spirit
Let Your blessing fall on me

A thought

2008-03-12T22:53:00.001-05:00

"you then who teach others, do you teach yourself"

Such a convicting verse. If you are not growing yourself, or at least striving to grow, how can you expect others to learn from you?

Thoughts on our world today

2008-03-09T23:36:00.000-05:00

This world is going through some interesting times...

Tony Blair is becoming professor at Yale.

The War in Iraq is a big mess, whether we stay or leave.

Health Care and Tuition costs are deadly.

We've got cameras now that can see through clothes, to look for terrorists with guns, etc.

We've got a gun made only two inches long.

We have a diverse world, clashing religions, causing tension.

My God is my god.

2008-03-05T22:16:00.000-06:00

I think God likes to speak to us subtly, when we do not expect it and sometimes when we can not even hear Him. Maybe because He finds joy when we do seek Him and find His small voice whispering our way. Maybe because He likes to not be so Big and Noticeable all the time. Maybe He just wants to be among us, like us. For even Jesus wanted to be called the Son of Man, rather than the Son of God. I think God has such a deep love for our souls that He wants not only to be a Father but to be with us in entirety. Why else would God move and die for us so that we could become just like Jesus, His own flesh? I think sometimes when we don't hear God's voice, we can be allowed to think through why and to put our hearts right before God has to come and yell at us. I also think that when we don't hear God's voice, that we become agitated; forcing us to find a quiet place to hear the whisper of God. I think the whisper is much more moving than a loud crash of the waves. I much rather find peace in the wind blowing on the waves on a cool night than to hear an earthquake, and a surge of water hitting the rocks, and the noise escalating the fear inside of us. When I hear the whisper of God, I am comforted and can find rest in Him. He becomes my savior and my friend, instead of a condemning judge. I will admit that I like noise though. But noise distracts. Noise creates chaos. Noise drowns out the voice of God or mixes along with it, that you do not know what God is saying anymore. You have bible versus and opinions and misinterpreted contexts of the bible along with correct interpretations, along with people telling you this advice while others tell you different, and then your feelings tell you this major is right and then the next hour they tell you of a different major. Today during our day of prayer at Moody, I found that I need to quiet my soul. It is in the little things that we find the magnificence of God. Simply hearing the whisper of God tells me that I am loved by a gentle father, not an abusive father. I am loved by a father who is with me and cares for me. I am going to let go of the anxiety of picking a major, the anxiety of future expectations, the anxiety of jobs and relationships. Be still my soul and know that He is Faithful. Be still my thoughts and trust that He is Understanding. Be still my body and remember that He is Provider. "Be still and know that I am God."

choosing my major..

2008-03-04T16:09:00.000-06:00

The one thing that touches me is when the human race can come together in relation. I think suffering is a friend to this connection, for it is in suffering that we relate in our deepest feelings and feel a need for each other's care. I wish I could come to Moody and be taught about how to love, about how to develop relationships, but there is not a major labeled "love". Must I go into "Compassion" to know how to love? Or what about "Theology" to know the Author of Love? Does the major in communication help me to love? Does the major of youth ministry help me to love? All of these major help us to relate, even more if we are called to a specific area like writing for a magazine. Personally, all I know that I desire is to connect with the people around me in their sorrows and their joys. Maybe I should go into counseling? But who am I to counsel? I deal with negative thoughts aggressively every day. I can not listen to people's complaints on life when I can not even deal with my own. People in counseling have a lot of patient. Maybe all I am called to do is to understand, to open my eyes and have ears to hear the truth of God. Maybe I should go into theology. I am not going to be Pastor, of course. I don't even know if I like the idea of working in a church. I do know that I have a passion for the lost because I was once there and at many times I feel like I am there once again. The only truth in my life that brings me joy, not happiness but JOY, is knowing and trusting that God is pursuing to love me. I want to go into theology, not to debate but to know more who this God is. Why does God love me, and how does He love me? How does He love the lost? How can I have a heart like God? What are the qualities of God? How is it that God can say, "My heart is changed within me; all my compassion is aroused." (Hosea 11:8b)? I thought that God was just Creator and Sustainer, but what happens when you see the emotional side of God? A God of compassion? What does that really mean? And what is God's word telling us? What is this revelation to us? and how do we interpret it? Honestly, I have no idea what to pursue at Moody. I have no idea what my goal is in life or what people group I want to minister to. I have no idea if I want to go into advertisement, business, or ministry in the church. All I know is that I want to know God better and to love Him with all my heart, soul and mind, and then to outflow a love like His to the people around me as well as myself. What else is worth living for than this?

complaining

2008-02-28T22:03:00.001-06:00

I am starting to understand better why whining is such a drag. I always thought, because I personally have liked to whine A LOT, that whining helps you to get something off your back that you are dealing with. But this is a lie, and if believed in it can really hurt yourself and those around you. God's word in 1 Thess 5 tells us to "Be joyful always...", and how are we helping ourselves and those around us to be joyful? When we complain the tone we express is negative, not only do we not set our mind on joy, we commit others a fight against negative thoughts.

Why must we apologize?

2008-02-24T11:53:00.001-06:00

http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D8V07M400&show_article=1

Election this year.

2008-02-16T10:41:00.000-06:00

What has happened to our countries morals? What happened to the desire to fight for freedom? A state that use to be free and welcome to anyone, believing that anyone deserved freedom, is now rejected the needy. We are so concerned about our own liberties, that we reject others, not really respecting liberty as a whole. We take the freedom FAUGHT FOR US and then use it for our own selfishness and the constitution to back up our selfish desires, and yet we forget to have the trait of our fore fathers in fighting for liberty FOR ALL. Look at the war in Iraq. The devastation and disorder among these people, who are governed by terroristic, hate driven, and selfish governors. I am glad to see that at least our president now remembers the right for every individual to deserve freedom,

"Afghanistan is working on their—on democracy, and it's hard work. It's not easy," Bush said. "It doesn't happen overnight, but it's in our interest to help them. It's in our interest to help them because we believe that liberty is transformative."

Our president understands how liberty has transformed America, and is now believing in liberty as our source, not an aspect, but it is what makes up this country and can transform other countries. Now, people are thinking about electing O'Bama or Hillary, when both want to get the troops out of the war. You see all these films of Hillary crying over events, trying to win the hearts of America and very well is, and yet she is forgetting the rights of man-kind. Why are we not a country in union UNDER GOD, why have we so far forgotten our heavenly Father who has helped this country begin. Now it is falling apart, not because Bush got us into the war for I believe it was bound to happen since the Iranian President Ahmadinejad and many others are chanting about destruction and hate of the Jewish people and western civilization, or even just "Death to America! Death to America!". Go watch the trailer or even the movie, "Obsession", and see if I am not wrong about this. Our country is not falling apart because of the war, but because our nations forgets to seek God, therefore no union UNDER GOD, and therefore chaos because we do not join as a nation to fight for liberty FOR ALL. We simply vote for presidents who will seek our own needs, "I have family in Iraq, why are you doing this to our men?" I do not mean to not have sympathy for those lost in war, for I support completely those fighting and war is not a pleasant thing for I use to think as a Pacifist and hate war, but "there is a time for war" (ecclesiastes). And when there are people chanting about death to America, if we do not stand our ground against what we believe in and even pursue to unite freedom for all, we are going to back down and be defeated, and then the people will cry about how we did not fight back, how we did not join in union to prevent terrorism. They will blame the government, when they are the ones unaware about the war and our voting for Hillary or O'Bama because simply, they support removing our troops from Iraq. I am scared to see the election.

todays frustrations

2008-02-11T13:47:00.000-06:00

I sometimes wonder why the world around me does not seem to care about other people and yet desires within themselves meaningful relationships. There are all these people here at school trying to get more truth, more knowledge, more meaning into their life to do better ministry for others, and yet they debate about different theologies but not remembering the relationships between people. Do we Christians want to be right all the time that we forget that there is a hurting world out there that does not need theology but truth working through people who love and love not out of submission but out of the effect of compassion on others?? I wish that I could make people love, I wish I myself could love selflessly and to not care about being right. Why inside of us is there this desire to be first? ...what about that verse that tells us those that are first are last? We must humble ourselves. Yet, it FEELS unfulfilling to be last. I do not mean being humble, for even in humbleness we desire to be first..first in being the best at being humble (don't deny)....yet what is this selfless love Christ talks about? Why instead of debating theology in class why do we not talk about the selfless love of Christ and how to attain it. Ya, tell me how to be humble and what it means, but if we do not apply it how is it developing in my life to help me be better at ministry. If you talk about all these facts and ideas and beliefs of the bible and yet do not talk about how it connects with Christ and His walk, what is the point? Ya, I came to Moody to learn a lot about God's word, but I am getting sick of it because it is all about beliefs and not your walk.

God, open my eyes to see the love.

Passion

2008-02-05T18:19:00.000-06:00

Look at the works of art; poetry, paintings, music, movies, novels, and sculpture. There is so much passion around us. God created us to be imaginative. Yet, through this Christian walk I feel like I am losing sight of passion. Honestly, Christians should be the most passionate. People are drawn to passion. Our God is full of passion, just look at the works that He created. Yet, I do not think Christian schools ever focus on passion. It seems to be just about academics and being right with God. These are good things, but what about passion? I feel as if passion is lacking in the student body of Moody, maybe my eyes can't see that it is there, but right now this is something that is bothering me. I feel like I am suffocating here because of the lack of passion, but I know it has a lot to do with what I am putting into it and even just the passion I have myself. Yet, the passion feels like it has left me. The passion for life, the passion for the lives around me, the passion for ministry. Sometimes I just sit here staring, wondering why I am here. Not just what I am going to do with my life, though that is part of it, but what does this all mean? What am I missing out on? No one wants to miss out, especially on the blessings God has for them. I want to know what true passion is, I want to be full of compassion and be known for loving life, for loving God, and loving the people around me... passionately.

mooning

2008-02-04T10:49:00.000-06:00

Some Israelite soldiers mooned some Palestinian soldiers...ha I think that is funny.

http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=080203145556.dik00tkg&show_article=1

Relationships

2008-02-02T17:41:00.001-06:00

I don't know how to make friends. I have always had friends come into my life and whenever I tried to make friends I failed. I remember in high school wanting so badly just to have many friends. I wanted people to like me and to enjoy being around me, don't we all? I remember letting my life be changed merely on how to make more friends. Getting into alcohol and drugs when I was younger was a way to be connected with people. I love being around people, but I did not understand then that there is more to life than friends. Even now sitting here in my room, by myself on a saturday night, I have to remember that there is more to life than friends. I do not have any solid relationships yet. I really wish I did, but I need to be patient with God's timing. All of this also gets me to thinking about dating. My friend Kari once said to me, "Someone told me this once, If you believe that God will bring friends into your life, how much more is He going to want to bring a husband into your life." Sometimes I like to think life would be rid of the problem of loneliness if I were to have a boyfriend, but I still do not know if this is true. I hold onto the hope that I there will be a time where there is someone always there for me besides God, someone that will enjoy being around me, enough to marry me. There is definitely something different from a friendship and a marriage. There is always something lacking in a friendship that I like to hope a marriage would fill: the incomplete loneliness. I do not mean to say that marriage solves all problems, but I do believe it solve the problem of loneliness if marriage is truly pursued in God's will. Right now I have that incompleteness, that I know I can get through with God here to comfort me, but I also hope to someday experience what it means to be married. I think marriage can be an amazing experience to understand that marriage between Christ and His bride, but it is not essential, it is a blessing from God, just like all my friendships have been blessings, and have been guidance to bring me where I am today. So I will thank God as I sit here alone today, for I deserve nothing from Him and all I need is Him.

Integrity

2008-02-01T09:34:00.000-06:00

So, I have noticed that some people at Moody do not follow the rule that we aren't allowed to watch movies on campus. I started thinking about doing it myself, but to be honest is it worth it? Even if you don't really get caught, is it worth it? God has called us to be people of integrity. I think God frowns upon us breaking the rules, I do not think it is being legalistic to follow the rules unless you make the law your idol. Where is our integrity if we allow even the small rules to be broken? I want to be a person of integrity.

2008-01-26T12:16:00.000-06:00

Oh Praise Him.

All creatures of our God and King.

Lift up your voice and with us sing.

Oh Praise. Hallelujah.

Thou burning song with golden beam.

Thou silver moon with softer gleam.

Oh Praise Him. Oh Praise Him.

Hallelujah. Hallelujah.

Hallelujah.

on my heart today

2008-01-25T20:32:00.000-06:00

I think this year God is teaching me a lot about worship. One hard thing for me to accept is having my PCM (practical Christian ministry) on thursday nights. Not because of the PCM, but because the worship service (kind of like Bethel's worship night) is on thursday nights. This means I will not be able to be a part of this. Maybe God is trying to teach me also that I am not suppose to be in the music major. I really enjoy music, but I am starting to realize that music does not save people. No matter how I sing during worship it will not save someone. My focus was on being passionate in music and perhaps through that someone would want to be on stage worshiping the Creator with the same passion. I wanted to be an example. God has different plans I think. These past years I have been trying to learn guitar, but maybe the reason I am having so many difficulties is that God does not want me this to be a place in my life. Yet, why is there this desire in my heart still for music? Why does it feel like its the only thing in my life that will bring me back to God, the one thing that will help me in troubles, the one thing that will help me find peace when I am a reck, the one thing I feel I could love doing in my life? Why all of these feelings but God wants to with-hold it from me? Is it possible to make singing in worship an idle in your life? I think maybe I am starting to see different aspects within worship. We get up on stage, we sing the same lyrics, we recite recite recite, we sing loud honestly so maybe someone will hear and be moved by it, we try to be passionate to have an influence on others, but in this are we forgetting to put Father as number one, because I feel I have definitely made worship not a humble experience, an utter fall-on-my-knees to love, adore, and worship my ABBA. I want to learn to worship like David.

these past weeks

2008-01-24T12:55:00.000-06:00

I really am having a hard time here at school. I like to pretend that things are okay, even just within myself I try to make things "feel okay". But I can not do it. I have been praying and getting in God's word more these past days but it feels like I just keep drifting far away from the Lord and I do not know how to bring myself back to the shore of God's presence. I am so tired of trying. I want to give up, but I can not. I want to go home and hide away in the friendships already made. I have no idea what I am doing here at school. I mean I know I would ask myself this question, because everyone ask it. But I am dealing with something personal, despite the fact that everyone deals with it. I wish I could come out and deal with this, to talk about it with people telling me that it is normal and that "I'll get through it"..because it is not encouragement that I need right now...not that it is not nice to have, but I need a serious change in my life. I need direct influence in my life to change me, not just words to help me feel better. For I know that I live in a world full of pain and suffering and if all I do is worry about my feelings and desire encouragement instead of taking this feeling and saying "hey, what do I change in my heart, my mind, my life."??? Because there is more to this life then feeling, there is something real out there that the text books can not explain, nor can the counselor heal. For we as people are not the ones that have the words or the influence, it is God through us that changes hearts and helps the church to grow into a body that loves. LOVES. not just knowing things, but acting..and act of love, not a word of love. I think so many times we get lost in knowledge that we forget the very essence of why the word is there. It is to help us understand how to act. But if all we have is knowledge but never apply it to what it was made for, then we just idle our lives. I want to make a difference, I came to Moody to learn so that I understand how to better my relationships with the people around me and mostly my relationship with God. But right now I do not know how to change my heart, or even what direction I am going in. So, I will just keep praying and trusting that God will eventually answer them.

community

2008-01-17T12:50:00.000-06:00

There is a broken world out there and I think a lot of the time we drowned ourselves into apathy within our Christian bubbles. I mean, I believe strongly in the church and being united in the body of Christ, but even here at Moody I feel suffocated right now. I have only been here a week and I am already deprived of emotion, of passion, of compassion. How am I to serve without a willing heart? Then it just becomes ritual, and God wants a willingly obedient heart not a hard "I have to do this" heart. I want to be passionately involved.

2008-01-11T19:45:00.000-06:00

This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.

1 John 4:10

God is constant, but what about instead of thinking "God is constant = God is always in love with us", why don't we think "God is always in love with us = God is real, He is there, unchanging, unmovable, constant." I think a lot of the time people will cloud their minds with ideas but not really developing a deeper heart for what they really mean. I know God is there, I know He is unchangeable, I know about His law and His sovereignty, and about how He cares for us enough to send His one and only Son to die for us. But when the ideas move into more than just beliefs, it as if life brightens with all the meaning that it is created to be with.

Love is constant, it was there before we were born and there is nothing we can do that will make Him love us less. Yes, we can make Him angry, with a righteous anger, but it never demeans His love for us. That is something my heart can rest in.

Prayer Requests

2008-01-10T23:22:00.000-06:00

Please pray for me as I am starting at Moody.

1. Time management: Get devotional done first, then homework, and no procrastination...though I need to know when to take a break. Please pray that I would break down habits and manage my time well.

2. Friends: Pray for me to get a prayer/accountability partner, that I interact and make friends, and that I be blessed and perhaps God will bless others through me as well.

3. My Family: pray that my parents have peace about me going to school and about missions.

Thanks all who are reading! I appreciate it.

God bless and heaps of love,

Kelli

Waiting periods in our life

2007-12-29T15:29:00.000-06:00

What does it mean to wait on the Lord?

Psalm 27:14 says, "Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD."

Wait on the Lord, two things: 1. courage 2. refined heart

So, what is courage?
1. COURAGE

Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.
1 Chronicles 17:25
"You, my God, have revealed to your servant that you will build a house for him. So your servant has found courage to pray to you.
1 Corinthians 16:13
Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong.
Philippians 1:20
I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death.
Hebrews 3:6
But Christ is faithful as a son over God's house. And we are his house, if we hold on to our courage and the hope of which we boast.

Reading these verses tells me that courage is standing firm in faith of who Christ is and boasting of Him throughout the world.

Be courageous to obey. Be courageous to stand up for what you believe in. Be courageous in Christ.

"...and he shall strengthen thine heart."

2. Refined Heart

2 Chronicles 16:9
For the eyes of the LORD range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him.
Psalm 28:7
The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song.
Psalm 73:26
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Jeremiah 17:5
This is what the LORD says: "Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the LORD.
1 Thessalonians 3:13
May he strengthen your hearts so that you will be blameless and holy in the presence of our God and Father when our Lord Jesus comes with all his holy ones.
Hebrews 13:9
Do not be carried away by all kinds of strange teachings. It is good for our hearts to be strengthened by grace, not by ceremonial foods, which are of no value to those who eat them.

During the waiting periods of our lives we are to still act in obedience and through it he will strengthen us to continue in His will.

and in all of this why do we wait?

Psalm 37:34
Wait for the LORD and keep his way. He will exalt you to inherit the land; when the wicked are cut off, you will see it.
Psalm 119:166
I wait for your salvation, O LORD, and I follow your commands.

We wait for His salvation.
2 Samuel 23:5
"Is not my house right with God? Has he not made with me an everlasting covenant, arranged and secured in every part? Will he not bring to fruition my salvation and grant me my every desire?

Psalm 5:3
In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.

clinton vs. obama

2007-12-26T19:12:00.000-06:00

Clinton and Obama seem to be conflicting on opinions, so I read up on some articles on both and I found this to be interesting about Clinton:
"Mrs. Clinton has disagreed with Mr. Obama’s support for presidential-level
talks with leaders of nations like Iran and North Korea" click here for the article

How are you sapose to lead a country and fight terrorism if you do not speak with the presidents of these opposing countries? I think not having these talks is going to lean more on the side of "not getting involved". I think it better for us to negotiate and talk to understand these countries. There is a big difference between making allies and making negotiations with your enemies. I keep reading things about how people are supporting Clinton because of her "experience". Just because you were the presidents wife does not mean you have the greatest experience. The only experience I read up on is that she has visited countries and saw the disgraceful situations, but so have other humans, prolly moreso those in the army have than her. But despite that, look at her relationship with Clinton, it does not seem to be a close one..there were many times when they were not speaking to each other, especially when Clinton had an affair. Many of my senses are telling me to lean more on Obama. Plus, honestly I would rather have a male president than a female, females seem to let feelings get in the way of sensible choices. Here are some examples that are making me feel this way about Clinton,

-Her role mostly involved what diplomats call “soft power” — converting cold war foes into friends, supporting nonprofit work and good-will endeavors, and pressing her agenda on women’s rights, human trafficking and the expanded use of microcredits, tiny loans to help individuals in poor countries start small businesses.
-She traveled to 79 countries in total, little of it leisure; one meeting with mutilated Rwandan refugees so unsettled her that she threw up afterward.

She is more for peace than war, it seems to me. I just get a bad feeling about her being presidfent..we need someone that will stand up and fight, not letting emotions drive them. I will give her props for her emotional ties to these issues and that she wants a change for them. But what about getting into the grutty parts of war, what about going out to fight even though it is ugly, can she take it as our leader? We need a strong leader, and a smart one.

I think Obama is smart for wanting to actually try and negotiate with the leaders around and get rid of possible nuclear threats.

There is still more for me to read up on..like Egypt's foreign ministry said, ""It is better for the Israeli minister to concentrate on negotiation efforts with the Palestinians, instead of speaking randomly about issues she should not be dealing with if she is not fully aware of the situation," its statement said Tuesday." ..it is better for us not to speak randomly about issues if we do not fully understand.

Merry Christmas All! :)

2007-12-25T21:06:00.000-06:00

If you are ever looking to catch up on news this is an amazing and resourceful sight to check out: www.drudgereport.com

I was reading about some of the presidential candidates...and I am realizing that my interpretations are always wrong. I really did not like senator Obama. I felt like he was not taking care of America in the right way, but as I read some background on him and things he is standing for I am finding that if I had to vote right now, my vote would be on him. He is being supportive of actually doing something with the war in Iraq, instead of just leaving and making things worse. HE is trying to pass a plan of action on to the president of making all nuclear weapons secure---this is the very reason we are at war in the first place!!! And I stupidly "thought" this guy, well my interpretation of him, is that he was one of those people that are saying "Get out of the war! Go serve people here at home!!" while all along they are letting terrorists do what they want. You can take care of poverty at home, but if you don't take care of larger issues like terrorism, where is our safety? where is the reason to take care of poverty? security of life is more important than the small issues that we as individual americans should be taking care of day by day. God commanded us to help the poor, why isn't the church taking care of these things? Why aren't I doing anything, or individuals? How can I or anyone be mad at the government for being in a war to fight terrorism while poverty and other issues exist, while I myself am not doing anything to help within my own state? I as an individual can do a lot more for here and around me than the government can. I am not saying that programs are not needed, but what I mean to point out is that these "programs" are made up of PEOPLE. But if people are not doing anything, how are these programs going to succeed? We as individuals can not fight terrorism alone, but we can go down town and help feed the homeless. So why not let the government take care of the larger issues?

I was also continuing to read about Obama's background of his church's beliefs and I find some interesting things...like I was reading the apostles creed and all these other creeds I have never read before. I would recommend reading them; I think they are inspiring. :)

Apostles Creed:

I believe in God, the Father almighty,

creator of heaven and earth.

and in Jesus Christ, his only Son, our Lord.

who was conceived by the power of the Holy Spirit

born of the Virgin Mary.

suffered under Pontius Pilate,

was crucified, died, and was buried.

He descended into hell.

On the third day he rose again from the dead.

He ascended into heaven

and is seated at the right hand

of God the Father Almighty.

From thence he shall come again to judge the living and the dead.

I believe in the Holy Spirit,

the holy catholic Church,

the communion of saints,

the forgiveness of sins,

the resurrection of the body,

and the life everlasting.

Amen.

I wish so bad that I could just grow up and mature.

2007-12-23T23:23:00.000-06:00

Does God feel our guilt with us?

2007-12-20T09:43:00.000-06:00

"...and I so hate consequences.."

Shopping this year for Christmas has been a challenging time for me. I am really struggling with the meaning of Christmas. I am not struggling on it's definition, we all know that it is about Christ's birth, but there is much more to it then that. My family and friends have always given each other gifts and expected that we "deserved" something in return. Yet, after every present I buy, I am feeling guilty about how I am spending my money. Why don't I just make someone something? I do not know what to make them, and I am already out of time...so I am dealing with consequences of spending money on things that will just pass away. Why don't I spend money to help send bibles to people? Why don't I spend money to help people instead of to just give them more "things". I am trying to show people I care by buying them gifts, but it seems like this way has become the only way in society to show people they care. Someone hurts someone, so they buy them something to make them happy. But things don't last, and they don't make up for anything nor do they bring joy like God gives. I wish that I could wrap up a gift of Christ for people and that people would still delight in opening it, despite that it is not a "thing". GAH, I am so frustrated..I want to give people the world but I can't...and I am not spending my money well at all...Ive spent like 400 in the past few weeks, and I really do not know how to spend my money..and it gets me thinking about how I do not know how to spend my time either. I am frustrated, I wish the guilt of mistakes would go away but I guess they are what guide us to mature and not make the mistakes again.

2007-12-16T13:15:00.000-06:00

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable.”

He len Keller

I really want to get into rock climbing. I feel God changing my heart and my desires, because I was afraid of heights, afraid of doing anything "adventurous", but now I can not stop thinking about mountains, about nature, about getting out there and doing things! Like canoing, rock climbing, sailing, etc. There is a mission trip in 2009 and it is at a ski resort somewhere over-seas, I forget where...but I want to go really bad!

2007-12-06T22:54:00.000-06:00

1 John 5 1:5
Everyone who believes that Jesus is the Christ is born of God, and everyone who loves the father loves his child as well. This is how we know that we love the children of God: by loving the God and carrying out his commands. And his commands are not burdensome, for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world? Only he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God.

So, I was reading this and I realized that there is more to serving God than enjoying it because He is a relational God and blesses us, etc. But "his commands are not burdensome,..[becaussssee]..everyone born of God overcomes the world." How amazing is that? That in obeying we overcome our enemies, our pains, our struggles, and what is unjust in our lives made just.

Now look at what Deuteronomy 30:19 says,

This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live.

We don't just follow God's command because it is enjoyable, because to be honest, making the choice to follow Him is not always my "hearts desire". I want to follow what makes me "happy" right now! But there is more to following God than it being something worth while, we do it because of the promises God has for us. We obey God for He has given us life, not death. We obey God for it brings the fruit of righteousness, a loving relationship with the father that continues even with death, and a permanent gift to us of overcoming the world, of overcoming our enemies:

Luke 1:68-79
“Blessed be the Lord God of Israel,
for he has visited and redeemed His people
and has raised up a horn of salvation for us
in the house of His servant David,
as He spoke by the mouth of His holy prophets from of old,
that we should be saved from our enemies
and from the hand of all who hate us;
to show the mercy promised to our fathers
and to remember His holy covenant,
the oath that He swore to our father Abraham, to grant us
that we, being delivered from the hand of our enemies,
might serve Him without fear,
in holiness and righteousness before Him all our days.
And you, child [John], will be called
the prophet of the Most High;
for you will go before the Lord to prepare His ways,
to give knowledge of salvation to His people
in the forgiveness of their sins,
because of the tender mercy of our God,
whereby the sunrise shall visit us from on high
to give light to those who sit in darkness
and in the shadow of death,
to guide our feet into the way of peace.”